i'm being robbed..

slowly.

i realized it today.

my clothes keep turning up missing.

i finally caved and did laundry today
at the laundromat, i realized i didn't see my powder blue bra
i recall this bra specifically b/c i work out in it.
it smelled and needed to be washed.
but it wasn't in the pile.
then, when i got home, i realized i couldn't find my *favorite*
pair of jeans.
i checked all over.
i even when back to the laundromat .
they're mia.
shortly thereafter, i realized i couldn't find the pants i wore last night.
i mean, i was less than 12 hours later and they were straigh missing.
when you don't have shit (and i don't) it's hard to lose clothes.
there are no dressers.
they're either in the hamper or in the closet.
none of those items can be located.
i'm *very, very* upset about these developements.
after a through search of my vehicle and apartment
i realized....
i'm being robbed.
slowly.

i'm at work right now.....
obviously i'm not doing any work.
i don't feel like watching this movie right now.
i don't wanna write interview questions either.
i want to go to sleep.

i've been up since 6 am.
this wouldn't be so bad if i wasn't up last night until 2:30 am
i couldn't sleep.
anxiety made me it's captor early in the day.
i haven't eaten more than a bowl of apple jacks and a banana.
my stomach incessantly growls
i have no desire to quell the noise

tonight, i'm going to bed early.
seriously, my legs have that tired feeling.
it's the same feeling when my body thinks i'm getting it up too early.
it's that same feeling i get when someone wakes me up b4 i'm ready....
my legs kind of sink into whatever surface they're on (right now, this chair)
and start to feel as if they're a part of the chair.
it's like uber relaxation.
it's what would happen if i lost feeling in them.
at least that's the best way i know to describe the sensation.

i'm going to head to the airport in another 35 mins.

so today isn't my last day.
apparently, tuesday is.
they asked me to stay and wrap this huge audio commentary
and another shoot i have on monday.

i kind of wish i had those days to relax
and get to know my new roommate.
work calls.

i did get a phone call for an interview with another company.
their website is really dope.
the best things about the job is:

1. it's a firm step in the direction i want to go in.
2. flexibility
3. staff job... so i'll have benefits again.
4. it's close to home.

i would like to get at least 2 more phone calls for work.
the best thing is when you have options on the table.
this time around, i'm raising the price of my services.

kim never showed up last night.
i thought she was hanging out with her man so i waited to call her
finally, at 1 am, i caved.
no answer.

this morning i call back and leave a nasty msg.
the least she could have done was call and say
i'm not coming over tonight tab.
at the very *least*
just so i know she's ok.

she finally called this afternoon.
sorry explanation.
ok, whatever.
i figured it's best to let it go.
people aren't going to be considerate
simply because i want them to.
no need to waste any more energy.

um... so drea's show is this weekend
and a ton of people are in town.
tia and jasmine get in this morning.
i heard emil is alread here.
why am i happy about seeing emil?
he was alawys good to me in dc.
he picked me up from the bus once in this big ass truck.
emil is about 5' 2"
but he's a really good person.
very laid back.
it's been a long time since we've talked.

there are other people i need to talk to too.
i haven't spoken to koku in a minute.
and kristen has been on my mind a lot.
tonight i may socialize.

laundry....
needs
to
be
DONE

tomorrow.


i'm going to try and get out of here early and do some of it.
at least the whites and darks...
i can do it all in 3 loads at a luandromat
i checked the 1 washer in my building yesterday
it's small.
too small.

kim arrives today. she's flying in and renting a car...
which is good b/c i'll be running around looking for a new gig
and she'll want to do her own thing.
she doesn't know how to drive my car anyways.....
it will be nice to have a bit of company
but what i'm worried about is fucking up my routine.
before i go to work, i do 20 min pilates. i've been fairly consistent since moving.
when people are sleeping in my living room where my tv is,
i'm reluctant to do pilates b/c i hate waking them up.
so umm... i need to work this out.
a flat stomach is within reach.
i've been working on my workday snack intake too.
yesterday i had peanuts intstead of twix.
granted,
they were honey roasted peanuts....
but still.
my job keeps a steady supply of chocolate and sugar in the communal kitchen.
it gets hard.
funny how easy it is to give up meat and how hard it is to give up sugar.
that may be my new goal.... getting rid of refined sugar.
i need motivation.

2 days and i'll have an official roommate.
i haven't lived with anyone for more than 4 months
since freshman year of college.
remarkably, i'm not afraid.
anxious...nervous.... but i ain't never scurred.
he wants to get a blog together on some dharma and greg shit.
until he admits that he's dharma and i'm greg, i'm not doing it.

for the first time in 3 years, i have to get a house phone.
he refuses to get a cell. he needs a number.
on the bright side, it may be better for business.
people don't want to call my new york number to schedule a hair appointment.
i'm making up flyers this week to hand out.
i need a name for the business.
any suggestions ya'll? i have 24 hours.
this will be the weekend hustle.

a blog or 2 ago,
i mentioned that man known to some as my biological father.
after all the venting, i'd resolved that evening to call him and cut ties.
i forgot i'd deleted his number.
but... he paged me yesterday morning.
i waited until i got home to call back.
he said how he'd been tring to reach me.
i confrmed that i'd gotten all of his msgs.
after frivilous inquires about my life,
i blurted, i don't think we should talk anymore.
he said, ok.
then hung up.
he totally robbed me
of my holier than though rant about how i don't respect him.
that's an overstatement.
i don't rant when talking to him.
he's never been known for listening
or wanting to hear anything bad about himself.
this way, he goes to sleep at night with that, "i tried" in his head.
it's odd how most of my friends have the most shallow confused parents around.
for the most part they all have the same thing in common...
avoiding and denying any responsibility for their actions.
if nothing else,
i learned a lot from my parents about what type of person i *didn't* want to be
i spend my life constantly trying to do better.
for that, i am grateful.

my niece starts kindergarten next week.
i'm afraid for her teachers.
my niece has multiple personality disorder or something.
that's olnly partially true.
she has a tendency to throw these outrageous fits at school.
at first, i didn't beleive her teachers. she'd *never* tried that shit at home.
the other week though, i told her to come in the house b/c she didn't know how to play fairly.
when i say she acted a fucking fool, i'm being kind.
in all my years dealing with children.... i have *NEVER* seen an shit like that.
not even from white kids!
she screamed for like 20 mins straight.
she kicked at me.
kicked walls.
got totally fanatical.
i wished i'd videotaped it.
instead of beating the fuck out of her, i calmly picked her up by her clothing,
carried her to her room
and THREW her on the bed and closed the door.
i tried to call her parents before that and she got LOUDER.
my sister says i should have beat her ass.
she only tried that with ppl she know won't hit her.
i don't know how true that is.... i've been watching them since i've been in cali and she never did that.
she lived with my mom and went to school in new york and never did that either.
i was so angry in that moment, i thought it better not to get violent.
afterwards, i was surprised at how calm i remianed in the moment.
i tell you this,
it scared the shit out of me.
*rubs bc patch lovingly*

tomorrow is my last day at this company... i think.
i like it here... and it's close to home.
it it my sincerest hope that the next gig is no more than 30 mins away from the crib.
i detest long commutes.

today is a better day.

last night i got home and fanatically cleaned my kitchen. washing everything in sight has a remarkably calming effect on me. i started the night by venting to gene who subsequently fell asleep on the phone with me. i took that as a sign that none of yesterdays beef was worth my energy. when i was done with the kitchen, i lit lots of candles and incense and listened to "everyday enlightenment"

i ran my hustleflower ideas past stacia yesterday and she encouraged me to go for it. when i talked to gene, he made some grunting noise that told me he didn't think it was such a good idea. this morning sherman pretty much axed that idea. he's saying we can talk about it more when we both have time but nah, i'mma keep my ass in corporate america for a while. he's not feeling my sudden departure at all. this morning i told that to stacia and she pretty much agreed with him. i thought she was on my side?! she wasn't really... she was encouraging it to live vicariously through me. her *real* opinion: i'm already on a good path, i have to stick to it. sherman was the first person to actually say so: if you want to take this business over, do that. stop trying to be some boho queen and do what you came out there to do."

point taken.


i sent a few e-mails to folks letting them know that i'm free for other projects begining on monday. michael and i are supposed to talk tonight about coming aboard one of his projects. honestly, i really dig working with him. i just like his style and we work incredibly well together.... so i'm going to do both. i'll stick with this industry job and do my other shit after hours and on weekends.... at least for now.

the next project, i'm upping my rate. for the kind of hours i put in around here, i need to be making more. much more...

i need to do laundry. i haven't done any since moving into the new place nearly a month ago. i'm on my last pair of underwear. it's serious. there is NOTHING like being able to do laundry in house. when i lived in a house, i used to wash small loads every week. right now, almost everything i owne needs to see some Tide. tonight imma go to walmart and get quarters. it's serious ya'll. i may just hit a laundromat to do it all in one sitting. if i'd known my auntie had a washer/dryer, i damn sure would have brought my dirty clothes.

real food. i need to get back to eating it. last night i had a bowl of cherrios and sliced watermelon. that was dinner yall. and it's not like there's not food in there.... i just haven't cooked it. rai bought me a knife set and cooking utensils this weekend so i no longer have an excuse. today i've had a bowl of cheerios, a banana and i'm munchin on more of that watermelon.... tonight, i'm at least gonna make a veggie burger or some broccoli.... this rabbit shit has got to stop.

4 more days.

my attitude sucks....

i'm sitting here at work in the shittiest mood. i don't know what happened. when i walked out of my house, i was feeling pretty bright. i think it's *her.* i dislike her in the same exact way i disliked my old supervisor at hbo. middle aged white women who have children far too young to be theirs and bad insecurity complexes. i just despise being micromanaged. i hate people who perpetually cc others on shit they send me. and i especially abhor repetetive speech.

now i can see why sherman gets annoyed with me about shit. if you asked me to do it and i said i'll do it, i'll fucking do it. don't tell me 3 more times and send me an e-mail in the span of 2 hours. that shit works my fucking nerves. i think i owe that man an apology. in my brain i'm trying to justify it like... well if u don't stay on his ass, nothing gets done. that's not entirely true. nothing gets done on my schedule and that's not fair. i think i'll apologize. if he's half as annoyed with me that i am with her... he deserves it.

so i'm thinking, immabout to get my hustleflower on. this weekend i went to vegas to see fam and friends that live in and were visiting sin city. i stayed at my (paternal) auntie's place and we had long discussions about being in business for ourselves. it got me thinking... da fuck am i doing working for other people? i don't belong. sometimes when i'm working with people i truly like and enjoy, i get fooled into thinking that maybe this is my calling. i get a rush from being the best.... but i dunno. while in town, i also saw my paternal uncle who reminded me that our fam was full of truculent people and if possible, we should work for ourselves. we don't really *like* people. not the browns. we don't take direction well at all.....

so now i'm thinking, imma just stay here and do hur. seriously folks. i can twist the shit out of some hair, i can treat it and loc it and make sure your natural hair grows. so now, i'm thinking... maybe i'll do hair from the house. i can pay my bills on 10 appointments/week and have more free time to do shit that *i* want to do. we all know black women spend more money than any other race on their hair. i need to be making some of that money. so the work's not challenging... who says it has to be? with the extra free time i'll have, i can do something else that challenges. werd... hair it is. imma have some cards and flyers made up and pass those joints out at the crenshaw mall. take a little trip to inglewood too. imma be the high priestess of this boho shit.

lemme go back to vegas. so i stayed with my 2 aunties (she has a partner) and i loved the guest room. they just bought a house and i was totally digging it. 4 bedrooms, 2 1/2 baths, living room, dining, family, laundry, lots of closets, inground pool and large yard. i *so* need a house. they were having it painted while i was there and the mexican cat they hired showed up with his 4 kids and wife. his kids took over the tv. he had us moving shit to lay the baby on the couch.... it was a mess. anyways, i really dig my auntie's partner. she's so sweet and friendly. apparently, she's going to meet my grandmother for the first time in october. i'd love to be a fly on the wall for that. my grandma, the uber christian has never met her daughter's partner of 6 years.... that's going to be an EXPERIENCE.

saturday night, i picked up my little sis and we went to see my (maternal) uncle John and aunt Cheri for dinner. they seem to be doing much much better. i haven't seen them since my cousin's funeral last october. while you can tell they're still kind of sad, it's good they haven't lost their sense of humor. i have this really weird connection with my uncle. i guess it's what some people feel for their fathers. when i walk into the room, i want to be under him. he always has the most secure embrace. that's the closest i've ever come to feeling a fatherly connection with anyone. i just love him to death. he talked about me for not eating meat anymore or drinking or smoking.... lol. "what is california doing to you?" cheri is such a nuturer. i don't think he'd survive without her. she just can't seem to sit down. i don't remember her being like that when i was younger...

so um... i'm mad at my line sisters. after dinner with fam on saturday, i go back to their hotel at on the strip to see them and hang out. they are all heading out so some club so i hang with my prophyte rose and catch up. then i see them later and everyone is still going somewhere else and asks when i'm leaving.... i tell thenm i'm thinking about getting on the road early that morning at like 5 or 6 to beat the traffic. shock, awe and total dismay ensues. i get guilted. "we hardly spent any time with you." "don't go yet" "stay on sunday" "aren't we worth 7 hours in traffic?" i cave.

do you know my phone didn't ring ONCE on sunday? i called them several times to see what the deal was. finally kita calls me back to inform me they're going to a convention activity and won't get to see me. i'm pissed but i let it go b/c i was spending the day with my little sis and didn't want to ruin it. can i just say for the record that i'm incredibly hurt. like *totally.* i'm trying to work this out in the next few days b/c if i don't, i can forsee straight cutting mofo's off. that's how i operate. you really hurt my feelings and i bounce. the thing is... i came to vegas to see them. especially them. i'd seen my lil sis a few months ago when she crossed. and the wack shit is: this happened when i went to that too. a bunch of them said they were coming into town to hang and be there for the weekend and they wimped out at the last minute. i did *not* appreciate it, but i let it go. all i can say now is, i'm done. i'm not making an effort to see anyone anymore. i'm just tired of flaky shit.

my mood really does suck. i'm not good at hiding my emotions. *everyone* here knows i'm in a bad mood today. they keep asking what's wrong. i want to scream: leave me the fuck alone. i think i'm dwelling. i *have* to let go.

my autie called me this morning and the following conversation followed:

me: hello?
her: he tab. your grandmother called while you were here and wanted me to telll you that your dad's wife passed. i didn't want to ruin your trip so i waited until you got home.
me: who? sylvia?
her: yeah
me: when?
her: july 12th
me: so how'd they find out?
her: well someone your dad knew saw him and offered his condolences.
me: ok. bye.

did i mention that my auntie also told me while i was in town: your dad wants you to call him. i replied with a simple: i don't think so.

i mean, WTF?

i have ZERO respect for this man. i was tempted to blow up on her for even coming at me with that but i caught myself. this ain't got nothiing to do with her. i mean... they ain't even married. he "married" her under false pretenses. he's *still* not divorced from his first wife. she moved out over a year ago and never came back. he had a baby with some other chick while she was dying of cancer. fuck him. werd up. i can't deal with the bullshit. it's a total waste of my time. why should i deal with a man whose name i can't stand the sound of? father? i have no father.

part of me wants to call her family and apologize for not telling them what kind of man he was when i met them. part of me feels as if my family owes them something for making that last few precious moments of her life miserable.

......


......



yeah, imma go home in an hour and work on all this.

sometimes i plunge into the depths of lonliness.

not becuase i'm really all *that* lonely but because i really miss mi familia..

gene... where are you?
kita, come see me!
sean... i need a hug.
joli, let's meet in the park.

mi familia es mi amigos.

see?

i love them. not a casual like. but genuine heartfelt. soul pounding. intense love.

i'm feeling especially nostalgic this morning. my line sister called me from the airport this morning
tabora: gues who's on the plane with us?!!
me: i dunno
her: your little sister!! we're all on the same flight to vegas. she's here with her sands.
me: that's great *suddenly feeling very low for not being a part of it all*

once, i tried to talk to sherms about this but he totally can't relate. he sees his friends like once or twice a year. i'm used to seeing mine all the time. i miss them horribly. i feel like carrie in the last season of sex and the city when she goes to Paris and doens't have her friends around.

i don't even want to build with people here. i don't know where to find people like me. i don't even know how i'd describe me. i want *my* friends.

one of these days.... i'll be able to afford a place on both coasts.



in other news... i'm going to VEGAS baby!!!
i'm meeting up with my sister, sorors and fam for the weekend.
kim's plane arrives late tonight and as soon as she gets in, we're heading to my rai's place to sleep and drive from there in the morning. my brother-in-law will give us great directions. i'm all set to go too. i had my oil changed yesterday. this morning, i packed. all that's left is getting my apartment cleaned up so i can come home to a clean place.

9 more days.

blogger sucks

it deleted my friday post without ever having published it....

so i'll just tell you that i worked saturday and sunday. i had a major shoot at a sound stage downtown. small crew and a LOT of work. actors, makeup, costumes, catering, wall building, prop moving, payment making, time watching.... and it still turned out really well. i came in with only 1 hour overtime at the stage and under in catering and incidentals so essentially, i rocked it. after the shoot, 3 of the people i worked with asked for my information to bring me in on other shows. this cat wants me to work this show he does for E! (i'm still kind of salty with them b/c their HR person made it seem as if i wasn't qualified to do this job. HA! i was made to lead men.) one of the actors told me he thinks "dreads are so sexy" then proceeded to wink at me several times throughout the day and asked to call me.... for work, yes. do call me. for play, i'm not interested.

i'm going to vegas in friday. initially i said i'd go b/c i won't make it to nyc for kita's birthday.... then i realized that i was broke and i would be better served by saving my money. finally kim made up my mind for me by asking if she could crash at my place after the delta convention. she's going to fly into la this week and we're driving to vegas on thurs. night/fri. morning. i'm staying the weekend and she's staying the full 5 days and taking a bus back.

sherms finally bought his ticket. i still can't believe that. so he'll be here in 12 days. i keep wondering what its like to live in close quaters with someone. i'm a little nervous but i feel like it will work itself out. he's going to be in serious culture shock. i imagine that he'll want to move out of la after the lease is up. the smog will kill him.

today i woke up in such a good mood. i washed the windows and screen in my bedroom, aired out the sheets. cleaned a bit and took a long shower. things are good in my life. even when i'm struggling.... i have $5 until payday and i'm happy. ecstatic even. the sun is shinig bright, bright bright.... and life is fine.

on: cultivaing working relationships. i have to always be mindful of this. when people approach me about working other shows, i need to follow up with them and be more attentive. i'm gonna run this town one day. no one knows that yet... but i am.

this morning i woke up feelin brand new

i jumped up feeling my highs/and my lows/ and my goals/ in my soul (c) Talib

sometimes getting up is motivation. just waking up to something good and happy can make all the difference in how your day goes. good an happy can be whatever you make it. it can be the song that went off as an alarm or a refreshing phone call. it can be the way the sunlight enters your room or the satisfaction from a nigh of tranquil sleep.

there are no stars in LA. that always makes me sad. i went to my sister's place in Lancaster for the weekend and that's always the first thing i notice. no matter how many times i drive there, i'm shocked by the realization of the absense of clear skies in LA. my sister stayys about 90 mins north and the difference is astounding. when you walk outside at night her skies are a rich blue and filled with specks of bright white. in LA, the skies are nearly black in the evening and i can count the stars on one hand. driving out of LA is incredibly humbling and peaceful. you are surrounded by mountain on all sides and the earth is lighted by the the many stars above. i alwas feel an intense awareness of my smallness.

i had my first colonic on saturday. my sister and i went to a place in santa clarita.... and yeah, it was interesting. the woman who performed it was rather comforting. we talked about vegetarianism and she recommended a few products to try. i mean... this woman has a real skill. she's talking to you and making you feel comfrtable as she adjusts this tube in your ass. there are so many toxins and parasites in the colon. it helps to have it cleaned out regularly.... i should stop right now before i start grossing folks out.

there was beef this weekend too. my sister and her mother-in-law got into it. the short version? liz (mother-in-law) promised 2 of the kids they could stay at her house for the weekend. she decided that she would rotate her time with them b/ce 4 of them were too much for her to handle at once. on friday my brother-in-law calls to find out when she's coming to get them and she totally renegs. he's pissed. she comes sunday to pick-up kiarra only. i'm babysitting while the parents are at the gym and i tell her she has to wait until the get home before taking her. poor christohper keeps asking why he can't come. after all, she promised that she'd take both of them. a few mins later... ken and raicine (my sis) get home and i go outside to tell them what's going on. they are both pissed before they get int he door. liz starts acting as if she's doing them a favor. ken is telling her she's not taking anyone and then rai goes off. she tells liz to get the fuck out of her house. actually, she referred to liz as a fat bitch.... and then liz wanted to fight. ken and i break it up and he starts pushing liz and her 13 year old, ashley, out of the house. liz punches him in the jaw. she leaves and rai and ken start fighting b/c she overreated. i grab the kids and we bounce for a few hours. i come back and play doctor phil for a couple of hours. i go home and all is peaceful again..... yeah, that was the short version.

so my sunday was shot. i mean, i did take my niece and 3 nephews for icecream and to the park but i didn't get my oil changed and i didn't see any movies... on top of that, i lost my earring. i love that set of earrings and now i only have one left... da fuck am i going to do with one earring?!

on: the title

this morning i was told that the title isn't an actual reflections of who i am. let me explain. being mediocre is my fear in life. perhaps my biggest. i live everyday wondering if tomorrow i'll be terribly boring and realize that i've wasted a great deal of my life being sub-par. mediocrity is the nemesis to my alter-ego. my mind is perpetually contemplating whether or not i'm dangerously close to being mediocre. i wonder if i'm boring and average. so the title is an accurate reflection of my fear in action.

last night i got a ticket. actually, i got 2 tickets... for the same thing. the first time, i was pulled over on my way to a club. my registration had expired and i don't have plates on my front bumper. the registration is my fault. it expired before i got a job and i've been forgetting. i take full responsibility for it.... but no plates on the front bumper?! there is nowhere to put a plate. my bumper is not equipped with holes to hold a plate. the cop informs me that i'd have to have holes drilled into the front of my bumper to secure the plate. da fuck?! so i finally get to the club and park on the street. when i come out i have ANOTHER ticket for the registration and this time, there is a $25 fine on it. the ticket the cop gave me had no fines. it was a fix-it ticket. can you believe that?

tomorrow i'm going for my first colonic with my sister. i'm probably more excited than i should be.... in my head: YAY!!!!!! colon irrigation! i'm getting rid of toxins!!!

i should really get back to work....

it's happening

it's been nearly 2 years since i've last written anything publicly. stacia has been pressuring me to get back into it and i've resisted until now. don't ask me why (you'll find that i'll be telling you i don't know quite often) but i am back.

now i have all the typical blog anxieties... is it spelled right? i know gene will read from time to time and god knows, i don't want to malaprop any words.

it is funny? if i were being realistic, i'd understand that it will never be funny. i am not, nor have i ever been, a funny woman. on the rare occasions that i've made a joke that others laugh at, the intensity of my pride in that moment in and of itself is an indicator of my typical bland musings

why would anyone care to read this? i dunno. pity? i already said i wasn't funny. you know who *is* funny? david sedaris. he's fucking hilarious. i so need to get his new book. i read me talk pretty one day on the airplane to jamaica last year and i laughed so hard that several people went to purchase the book.

how do i figure out this new blogger website? i dunno? trial and error? i used to know how to bold or italicize things here.... what happened?

will people get angry if i write about them on here? i've outgrown caring.

so some history. i used to live in ny and work at hbo. in january, i came to cali for a week to visit my sister and interview for a job here. it was freezing in ny and i'd been considering a move. of course, i didn't think i had the balls to really do it in less than a year.... but as my plane landed in LAX, in this beautiful epiphany, i realized that this was it. i was *supposed* to be in LA.

mentally, it was perfect timing. i was fed-up with my job. hbo has this method of only promoting people who have proved their loyalty by wasting their youth in dead-end thankless company jobs. i'm certain they have a 5 year minimum for promotions. i was just sick of brian in sports production asking me if i was still waiting for someone to die or retire. i was sick of the people in my office treating me as if i was incapable of being more than a glorified assistant. i was tired of my supervisor micromanaging me to validate herself. this rant may lead you to believe that i hated that company and that's not true at all. i hated my situation in the company. the company itself is great and therein lies the major problem. no one leaves! it's just that great. people have to die, retire or be fired to get out. that's why you have people working there for 15 years before becoming senior producers. i had some of the best experiences of my life through people who worked there... lawd they had perks!

so back to my mentality.... i had been away from my ex for quite some time and it seemed like he was still making himself a part of my life. he'd been calling me more then than when we were dating. never saying anything new or making any changes i was aware of and i needed to be further away. i have the friendly break-up complex. i feel like all my break-ups need to be amicable splits or i've somehow failed at being the bigger person.... you'll find that i have a "bigger person" complex too. so for that reason, i never had the heart to tell him to fuck-off. to me, that was just being mean and there was no justifiable reason to do that.....

what else? i was just feeling drained by my huge collective of friends and family and i knew it was time to do something with solely myself in mind. in almost all of my relationships, i'm the "strong one." i'm the person people call when they have a problem and no solution. i'm the person people call to bare their souls to. i never begrudge them this. i embrace it. i know that i'll play that role for the rest of my life and its necessary so i don't resent them.... but sometimes, i have to rescue myself. sometimes people take so much of your energy that they can't see you're drowning.... and i was drowning in new york.

it was winter. i know , i know. i'm from upstate new york. i should be used to the cold.... i'm not. i will NEVER be used to the cold. even here in california, i have a space heater under my desk b/c of the intensity o f the A/C in this office.... i was suffering from seasonal depression. after mid-october, i didn't want to leave my house. i couldn't take it any longer.

so.... california vacation. i got my permit while i was in town b/c i'd made up my mind to move by march 1st. i stayed a few days with my neo who'd moved to cali after graduation and she needed a roommate for a huge house in LA. that was all the motivation i needed.

i got back to new york in the last week of january. one week later, i gave my landlord notice. 2 weeks later, i gave my office notice. telling my supervisor that i was leaving was easily one of the most satisfying moments of my year. *immediately*, i felt as if a huge burden had been lifted. it was like someone had been restricting my air and i could finally breathe with freedom.

on february 29th, i got on a plane with a one-way ticket. 2 nights before i said goodbye to everyone in new york city worth knowing. mikel made me cry. then gene made me cry again. takita had been making me cry for weeks before that. it was so hard leaving her in new york. i'm so thankful for her man jason. i would have never left her if he wasn't in the picture. she's my other best friend and i love her more than love myself. it's crazy right. this chick is amazing.

my sorors took me to the airport. kita couldn't take it and drove off in tears. the rest of them waited with me until the time approached. we laughed. they brought me gifts. and then i boarded my flight and cried for the first 30 mins. it didn't help that i was listening to the solemn lyrics of "leaving on a jet plane"

the sadness has passed though. things are good here. luckily you didn't know me during the first 3 months of total unemployment. those were depressing times. i've been working steadily since i was 15. not having a job is the most demoralizing experience i've faced since not being able to pay tuition in college.

i work in LA as a production coordinator for a small company and i'm having a ball. right now i'm freelancing and it's pretty cool. i'm taking on more responsibility and making more money in the process.

in upcoming entries, i'll tell you about buying my first car, learning to drive stick. the difficulty of driving without power steering. the sale of my former LA residence. my new apartment. this guy i fell in love with who's moving here. my vegetarianism. my first colonic. my flipflop fetish. being stuck on a mountain in studio city.... and the daily nuances of my life which teeters at the brink of mediocrity.