Its been a loooong, long time coming

but I knoooow a change is gonna come (c) Sam Cooke

It started out as a dull ache and within 2 hours, it had escalated to a full blown throb. Headaches for me are rather rare. I’m not sure if it’s the general pressure of the day, the fact that it’s Monday and I realized that the weekend is way too far away, or just the general miserable environment in this office that is causing it. My guess would be a little of all the above.

Friday made me official. My last day here is May 13, 005. That’s roughly six weeks away and I couldn’t be happier. This may possibly be the longest six weeks of my life. I feel like a child who has presents under the Christmas tree weeks in advance. It’s as if the yearning to get the gift before the holiday will surely kill you. I’m not sure when I reached the point of really hating to come in here. I have an idea though. I work with a really difficult woman. She’s a yeller and a curser and EXTREMELY specific about every minute detail. I’ve been yelled at for something as small as not 3-hole punching items for her as much as bigger things as not catching an error on a deal memo. Bottom line- we can’t work with each other. Up until last week, I’d thought that I’d have to stick it out for at least a year. She made that choice for me. She went to HR and basically complained. When I went in, I felt completely fed up, but still willing to try. After talking with the head of HR, I realized… I didn’t really want to try. I just didn’t want to quit. I’m not used to failure and I read personal failure in this. After some careful evaluation, I realized that I did fail although the fault was not entirely mine. We have extremely different working styles and I’m not into being berated over minutia. For her there is no real line. Everything is equally important so she can’t delineate what’s worth freaking out over. Any number of things is capable of ruining not only her day but anyone’s who is not exposed to her. The thing I realized is that I’m not nearly as “detail-oriented” as those people who are true to the definition. I miss things. As long as that happens, things will never work out for me here. I’ve finally accepted that and I feel much better now.

After this, I’m getting out of network television altogether. The man and I have been talking about the future and I realize, I don’t want to work these hours when I’m married with kids. Shit, I don’t’ want to work them now… and with any advancement, they’re certain to only get longer. If I were honest with myself, I’d probably admit that I’ve never loved tv. And if I were truly honest, I’d admit- career has NOTHING to do with my move here. When I had that initial LA euphoria, I was thinking about the weather. My mind was completely preoccupied with the thought of never trekking through another snowstorm. It wasn’t until I got home and had to explain the move to everyone that I added the career advancement part. Nothing confirms denial faster than sharing the illusion with others for validation.

For the first time, I can see myself abandoning this industry save the few freelance jobs or maybe a PBS special. I can actually envision myself in a much more fulfilling 9-5 that is stress free. Sometimes when we and everyone around us are work-a-holics, we tend to trick ourselves into thinking that it’s good for us. I’ve been doing that for far too long. Now, nothing is holding me here. I’m ready to move on.

This week I’ll start looking for jobs in Atlanta. Neither the man or I are fond of anything here except the weather. The people are flaky (granted we do live in Hollywood) and there is no sense of community, we have to drive virtually everywhere…I can’t even find an African store/market anywhere. That said, I’m sure it’s clear that I’m fed up. Who would have thought that I’d come to Cali to change so drastically?

Not I said the fly.

I’d like to curl up under my desk now. Sleep beckons to rescue me from my headache.
Good news: My family is coming to town on Wednesday. ALL of them: mom, sisters, brother and even my grandpa. They’re all coming out for my sister’s wedding this weekend. We’re all heading to Vegas this weekend for it. I’m really excited. Even though they’re seven years and 2 kids late, I’m really happy for them. My brother-in-law is the bestest. Sherman is cooking for them Wednesday. All the shit on his menu is stuff neither of us eats. That kind of sucks… They’re supposed to come to our place for lunch after the flight and to hang out. Since I’ll still be at work, he’ll be meeting them for the first time on his own. He is a braver man than I.