for colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf

i first read that book in high school. my english teacher gave it to me b/c i was participating in something called "prize speaking" which was essentially a contest in which contestants acted out a piece of literature on stage. they were judged and he/she with eh highest score won money. i did a piece from lady in red. i placed second.

sunday i saw the show performed for at the AFIBA center in Los Angeles. i invited arielle to come with me b/c several months ago she mentioned to me she was interested in producing the play here in LA. the thing is- i remember not being able to connect with most of the characters back then. i thought them so incredibly jaded having endured such cruelty and pain. i imagined them to be the epitome of the "bitter black woman" the stories are so... *sigh* painful.

the thing is- i felt sad throughout the entire play. most of the poems selected and performed seemed to scathe me in some way. like- understanding and relating to them was only indicative of how much pain i've endured in my short life. when i couldn't relate all those years ago, i'd felt exempt. like i was never going to be labeled "bitter black woman"

but more and more- i resent it. i resent that black men, our men... can't see why we have attitudes. i resent feeling as if i have to apologize for being angry at all. i resent that we are treated as if our attitudes are unfounded or without cause. i listened to the play... and i related to what those women had gone through and i wanted to yell at every man who has ever strung the words 'bitter black woman' together in a sentence. i wanted to make them feel all the pain we have experienced at the hands of men- both black and white. i wanted to show them how much hurt we shoulder when our families are abandoned, when we are raped or molested, when our men cheat, when we are left raising children alone, when we are disrespected in the streets, when we are dogged b/c they lack the maturity to commit, when we are beaten or abused, when we are talked down to, when we are objectified, when we are treated as if we ain't shit, when are taken for granted, when our hearts are broken, when we are told that white women are better because (insert bullshit here), when we sacrifice our desires for theirs, when we give 100% and don't get reciprocity.

i get sick of them being dismissive of the shit we may be going through. shit, the stuff we HAVE gone through. i'm not saying our pain is a license for being a bitch but really- you try balancing the weigh of the world on your shoulders. try supporting families alone. try not being jaded after being hurt or betrayed time after time.... and you know- i carry a little guilt. i was that woman that sided with them. i was on some: i don't get why they are so bitter and angry... but you know what? i may be be that woman some day. maybe there's only so much hurt a woman can shoulder before she become that hurt. maybe there's only so many times she can allow her heart to be broken without expecting it to. maybe she's been there too many times to walk into anything with no baggage and insecurities. i'm starting to wonder- how many times can you be hurt before you become just another colored girl who has considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf?