and like that it was gone

a few days ago i had a job. my temp agency called alst thursday to place me at Disney for "a couple of weeks, possibly until the end of the year."

i reported to the new gig happy to be working... not especially enthused to be in the corp. legal dept... but happy to be getting paid, the opportunity to use the intranet to find a job, a chance to network with folks. it was apparent from day one (to me at least) that these ppl didn't need a temp. they didn't have a lot of work for me and i listened to audio books, cd's and read for a couple of hours. at first, i thought it was b/c my computer wasn't set up. the ppl at the temp agency told me i'd be doing data entry and working mostly with spreadsheets.

evidently, they really *didn't* have anything for me to do. i was let go on wednesday... so for a brief moment in time, i worked for Disney.

needless to say, i was depressed. mostly b/c i wouldn't be able to bring home any more of the free juice they kept in the kitchen. the man and i kind of got used to having drinks without buying them. i didn't know how to break the news...

so i just spit it out. there was a moment of silence for the approaching thirst... and then a pep talk. i didn't come out of the funk easily.

you see, i'd listened to an audio book from the ppl at fool.com for financial info and had worked out a plan (Disney time) to become credit card debt free in 10 months while saving and investing. ... for the first time in a *long* time, i felt hope that i'd lift myself from the financial abyss that is my life. with hard work and sacrifice, i could make it happen in less than a year.

now my assignment had been terminated and i my plan would be worthless.....

this morning i had a job interview at this place called workplace hollywood. they are a minority staffing and recruitment non-profit that places minorities in entertainment. funny enough, i'd been trying to get up with them since i got to LA and was never sucessful. today, i was going in there to interview for a receptionsit position at a non-profit. no, my lifelong dream isn't to be a receptionist.... but while my b/f will pay the bills while i'm unemployed, i cna't expect him to pay my debt. a girl has got to work.

hello.
firm handshake.
pleasure to meet you.
here's the latest resume.
i sit.
she reviews.
....
....

you're not a receptionist,
you're a production manager.
me *silence*
her: i don't mean to take you out of the running
but the job is at the dga and you'd be miserable
it seems you're already on a great path
and i don't think you should take these kinds of jobs
b/c they slow you down.
what's your day rate?

well... about $200

good. never work for less than that

i explain.
i'm from ny.
i'm having a hard time sustaining work.
i don't have a solid network here yet.

it's hard i know.
but once it starts to happen, you'll be okay.
people will keep calling you.
i'll be right back
i want to go make some calls
she takes my resume and heads to her office.
i wait for 5-10 mins.

she comes back.
i sent your resume to two places
they're both looking for coordinators.
they should be calling you next week to schedule interviews.
i thank her profusely.
she gives more advise.

don't settle.
if you can afford to pay the rent and eat
don't take a job like this.
it doesn't leave you any time
to find the job you should be doing
she tells me to keep looking.
i have all the qualifications.
she's very encouraging.
she suggests i contact one of her contacts.
she tells me verbatim how to do so.
i'm grateful.
then she introduces me to everyone in the office.
she wants them to be able to associate a name with a face
and to look out for jobs for me.
she's a former production person.
was in the industry for over 20 years
and finally left to relax a bit...
now she does staffing and recruitment for them
my thinking...
she's the best kind of contact to have.
a sista... who's job it is
is to find *you* a job.

i left her office feeling much better.
she gave me hope.

i'm ready to fight a little longer.
work a little harder.

more to come.
i'm going to vegas tomorrow care of my auntie
she turns 40 this weekend.
just me and my big sis.
the men and kids are staying home.

and i'm on sean countdown.
9 days

the myth of struggle

we don't always stay positive
and it's not always okay

in fact, struggle HURTS.

struggle is to be respected.

it's not sexy. it's not fun... and frankly,

i'm sick of it.


i find myself spending 3-4 hrs a day
on the computer applying to jobs.
it's horribly dehumanizing
to constantly make an effort and never experiecne fruition.
i'm sick of being unemployed.
i'm sick of sinking into this abyss of debt and despair.
i'm sick of borrowing money to stay afloat.
i'm sick of telling ppl that i haven't found a job yet
i'm sick of ppl asking me if i'm trying hard enough

i applied for a job at a coffee house yesterday.
i'm registered with 3 temp agencies.
i went to 6 clothing stores yesterday looking for work.
none of them were hiring.

i feel like i need to focus on something else for a while
to get my mind off the black hole
that is my employment status
that's hard to do b/c
it seems as if every minute of the day
when you're not actively looking for a job,
you're wasting time.
i feel guilty when i try to do something else.

on top of that... there's the myth of struggle
to live up to.
if i just stay positive...
do you know how hard it is to stay positive?
how difficult it is to repeat to your friends and family
that you haven't found a job yet?
how hard it is to hold on to your original goal
when nothing seems to go right?
it's hard not to give up.
not to feel totally defeated.
not to cry for your utter failure
it's hard to believe in yourself....
and it's hard as shit to stay positive.

it's worse when you don't have a support system in place.
there are no cheerleaders who take you to lunch and calm you.
i'm alone here.
the b/f?
i'm sick of hearing the phrase
"i don't care"
sometimes i wonder why we bother.
i love him but,
there are so many parts of my life
that i don't feel like i can discuss with him
he has this way of totally making me feel unwelcome in his space
as if i don't belong and my concerns aren't important.
it's funny.
because you think being with someone means
having a shoulder to lean on?
i still don't have that shoulder.

god my posts are depressing.
i wish they weren't
i'm tired of being the depressing friend with no good news.
i've had so many of those friends in life.
i remember after months of listening to them...
how i started to want to avoid them
i didn't want to hear their chronic bad news.
i try my best not to do that to my friends.


speaking of friends...
gene has a new g/f
she's coming to LA soon and we're going to hang out.
i'm kinda excited about that.
he likes her a lot and she seems nice
at least from my limited e-mail conversations.
it's kind of weird meeting her for the first time without him.
but i'm game.
i'm so curious.
and she has this name that i really dig.

what else?
kita is pretty busy these days.
it's hard keeping up with her.
i feel like we're growing apart some.
i'm trying to fix that, but i'm not exactly sure how.

wannaknowsomethingelse?
there re several times throughout the day
when i have to stave off the thought
"i want to go back home and be with my friends"
"i miss my old life"
sometimesihaveahardtimeremembering
why i left ny in the first place.
somebody remind me.

there's the myth knawing at my heart again
POSITIVE.
you have to stay positive and diligent
in your efforts to accomplish your goals

yeah

yeah

struggle.

today i found a very resourceful site.
in case i'm ever homeless... i know where to turn. this dude was a great help in my job hunt and an inspiration.

being unemployed is an emotional roller coaster. one day you're full of hope and promise and total resolve to pull yourself up by the bootstraps... the next day, you're totall depressed and hopeless.

maybe that's just me.
i'm not used to not working.
my adventures to cali have taught me so much about myself.
being unemployed teaches you quite a bit.
mostly it teaches you how to go without.
it also forces you to find cheaper ways of doing everything...
ie. i'm at the library using the free internet.
ie. do you know how long a bag of tater tots lasts?
for $3.49 you can eat for DAYS.

it's oddly demoralizing...

today. i'm not completely without hope.
that website listed lots of good leads and that cat sent me an underground
list of job openings in my field.
today, i'm grateful.
i'm going to spend the weekend teaching myself how to crochet
and writing cover letters for the 24 jobs i'm applying to on monday.
i'm walking into this library fully prepared next week.
i'm also going to see if any of the local boutiques near my apt are hiring.
i think i could do retail again so long as it's not at a large chain.
i don't want anyone there to expect anything from me.
basically, i want to show up, do my job
and not have to think about putting in extra effort.

on the bright side of life...
everyone i know seems to be thriving.
my line sisters have all found work and some are also finishing grad programs.
my friends are all working in professions the *want* to be in.
most everyone is happily coupled up
some of them are getting chances to travel.
neeki is actually going to school in LONDON for her PhD
and gene is dating!

it's weird how you can witness the happiness around other people and
simply... feel good.
just this beautiful warm feeling of promise.
especially after watching and being with those who have suffered.
it makes me incredibly happy to see dreams come to fruition
after so much struggle.

don't fret.




hope
springs
eternal

i apologized to someone today.

up until recently, i hadn't kown that i'd hurt his feelings.
even though i ususally dislike people and don't care what they think,
i've made a decision to try.

i've been reading up on buddhism and the core concept is compassion.
so in the spirit of that, i'm going to work on it.
even when i get pissy and angry and hate everyone (see last entry)
i'm going to calm down and act rationally.
the rational thing was... be nice.
i added that to the list of my q4 goals.

what's poppin?
i'm *still* hunting for a job.
it's hard to get a non-industry joint too.
everyone thinks i'll leave as soon as i'm offered something else.
they have every right to think that.
i will
i want to make it in this industry.
damnnit.

i still need a job though...
i'm about to be an audience sitter in a minute.

lonliness.

sometimes i miss being lonely.
when you're alone... you don't have to worry about other people.
you don't have to care what they think about you.

in the last few years, i've made the effort to do better with my life
in several ways.

i've adjusted my attitude to a major degree.
i've changed my eating patterns.
i've excersized more.
i've done more for people.
i've worked harder.
i've read more.
i've learned new things.
i've been more open to change.

sometimes it seems like the changes you make are never enough.
2 years ago my best friend referrred to me as "a belligerent asshole"
the beef: i was nasty to service people.
customer service people. store clerks. taxi drivers. waitresses. you name it.
now... in the time since that reality check, i've adjusted quite a bit.
i don't get loud.
i don't tell people off.
i don't berate them.
i make an effort to smile.

yet here i am.
new city. new boyfriend and new complaints.
his major complaint: my reactions to service people when i don't get what i want.
he hates that i occasionally rollmy eyes or sigh.
now, in all fairness, he didn't know me two years ago.
but right now, i'm not receptive.
i feel like i'm under attack.
like my character is constantly in question.
i feel as if he's being petty.
his words: "i don't like when you act like that because i see how they look at you. your attitude is not necessary. i don't want people associating me with you when you're acting like that. it's a reflection on me."

now most of the time. i don't say anything. i sigh and walk away.
he still thinks that is a major problem.
i think a sigh is minute.

frankly, i don't give a fuck what most people think about me.
a big part of changing my attitude in the first place was making myself give a fuck.

sometimes, i approach my general attitude with the mindset:
i'm a good person. a great friend. i got out of my way for people. i have gone into debt to help other people. i have sacrificed my own comfort and well being to do for others. i know at least a 50 people who will testify to that. what does it matter if i roll my eyes sometimes? i have a harsh manner. can you get fucking used to it? i'm a greater good type of person. if there is a bunch of fucking good, why must i always have to hear bad shit?

sometimes i don't care that i hurt your feelings. not the people i barely know. is that a fucking crime? must i be made to feel like i'm not shit because strangers don't love me? the people who matter most know my heart. they know my intentions.

i've been approaching this topic with various people.
my general attitude.
i'm not a first time likeable person.
most people won't like me the first time they meet me.
should i worry about that?
you'll probably think that i think i'm better than most.
i do.

do i have to change my mannerisms so you are comfortable?
or should i entertain your shallow encounters with me as the final judgement on who i am?
part of me wants to change.....
but not for the right reasons.
i don't care what strangers think of me.
i care what the people who love me think of me.
right now, that's not reason enough.
i have to keep searching.
i'm not in the mood to constantly placate soft skinned strangers.
it will change when people leave me the fuck alone.
god... isn't it enough that i'm not a belligerent fuck anymore?







i'm going to work that around in my mind some more......






um...
so i learned one lesson from my genetic sperm donor growing up.
trust people to be who they are.
i saw something this weekend in someone.
i know now.
it's sad.
i'm still a bit hurt about it.
but i was reminded of whay my deceased auntie used to tell me.
never depend on ANYONE for shit.
always do for self.
don't trust that anyone will support you.
trust yourself and your own abilities.

with that, i've decided to get a non-industry job.
the important thing now is to be working and taking care of my affairs.