it's happening

it's been nearly 2 years since i've last written anything publicly. stacia has been pressuring me to get back into it and i've resisted until now. don't ask me why (you'll find that i'll be telling you i don't know quite often) but i am back.

now i have all the typical blog anxieties... is it spelled right? i know gene will read from time to time and god knows, i don't want to malaprop any words.

it is funny? if i were being realistic, i'd understand that it will never be funny. i am not, nor have i ever been, a funny woman. on the rare occasions that i've made a joke that others laugh at, the intensity of my pride in that moment in and of itself is an indicator of my typical bland musings

why would anyone care to read this? i dunno. pity? i already said i wasn't funny. you know who *is* funny? david sedaris. he's fucking hilarious. i so need to get his new book. i read me talk pretty one day on the airplane to jamaica last year and i laughed so hard that several people went to purchase the book.

how do i figure out this new blogger website? i dunno? trial and error? i used to know how to bold or italicize things here.... what happened?

will people get angry if i write about them on here? i've outgrown caring.

so some history. i used to live in ny and work at hbo. in january, i came to cali for a week to visit my sister and interview for a job here. it was freezing in ny and i'd been considering a move. of course, i didn't think i had the balls to really do it in less than a year.... but as my plane landed in LAX, in this beautiful epiphany, i realized that this was it. i was *supposed* to be in LA.

mentally, it was perfect timing. i was fed-up with my job. hbo has this method of only promoting people who have proved their loyalty by wasting their youth in dead-end thankless company jobs. i'm certain they have a 5 year minimum for promotions. i was just sick of brian in sports production asking me if i was still waiting for someone to die or retire. i was sick of the people in my office treating me as if i was incapable of being more than a glorified assistant. i was tired of my supervisor micromanaging me to validate herself. this rant may lead you to believe that i hated that company and that's not true at all. i hated my situation in the company. the company itself is great and therein lies the major problem. no one leaves! it's just that great. people have to die, retire or be fired to get out. that's why you have people working there for 15 years before becoming senior producers. i had some of the best experiences of my life through people who worked there... lawd they had perks!

so back to my mentality.... i had been away from my ex for quite some time and it seemed like he was still making himself a part of my life. he'd been calling me more then than when we were dating. never saying anything new or making any changes i was aware of and i needed to be further away. i have the friendly break-up complex. i feel like all my break-ups need to be amicable splits or i've somehow failed at being the bigger person.... you'll find that i have a "bigger person" complex too. so for that reason, i never had the heart to tell him to fuck-off. to me, that was just being mean and there was no justifiable reason to do that.....

what else? i was just feeling drained by my huge collective of friends and family and i knew it was time to do something with solely myself in mind. in almost all of my relationships, i'm the "strong one." i'm the person people call when they have a problem and no solution. i'm the person people call to bare their souls to. i never begrudge them this. i embrace it. i know that i'll play that role for the rest of my life and its necessary so i don't resent them.... but sometimes, i have to rescue myself. sometimes people take so much of your energy that they can't see you're drowning.... and i was drowning in new york.

it was winter. i know , i know. i'm from upstate new york. i should be used to the cold.... i'm not. i will NEVER be used to the cold. even here in california, i have a space heater under my desk b/c of the intensity o f the A/C in this office.... i was suffering from seasonal depression. after mid-october, i didn't want to leave my house. i couldn't take it any longer.

so.... california vacation. i got my permit while i was in town b/c i'd made up my mind to move by march 1st. i stayed a few days with my neo who'd moved to cali after graduation and she needed a roommate for a huge house in LA. that was all the motivation i needed.

i got back to new york in the last week of january. one week later, i gave my landlord notice. 2 weeks later, i gave my office notice. telling my supervisor that i was leaving was easily one of the most satisfying moments of my year. *immediately*, i felt as if a huge burden had been lifted. it was like someone had been restricting my air and i could finally breathe with freedom.

on february 29th, i got on a plane with a one-way ticket. 2 nights before i said goodbye to everyone in new york city worth knowing. mikel made me cry. then gene made me cry again. takita had been making me cry for weeks before that. it was so hard leaving her in new york. i'm so thankful for her man jason. i would have never left her if he wasn't in the picture. she's my other best friend and i love her more than love myself. it's crazy right. this chick is amazing.

my sorors took me to the airport. kita couldn't take it and drove off in tears. the rest of them waited with me until the time approached. we laughed. they brought me gifts. and then i boarded my flight and cried for the first 30 mins. it didn't help that i was listening to the solemn lyrics of "leaving on a jet plane"

the sadness has passed though. things are good here. luckily you didn't know me during the first 3 months of total unemployment. those were depressing times. i've been working steadily since i was 15. not having a job is the most demoralizing experience i've faced since not being able to pay tuition in college.

i work in LA as a production coordinator for a small company and i'm having a ball. right now i'm freelancing and it's pretty cool. i'm taking on more responsibility and making more money in the process.

in upcoming entries, i'll tell you about buying my first car, learning to drive stick. the difficulty of driving without power steering. the sale of my former LA residence. my new apartment. this guy i fell in love with who's moving here. my vegetarianism. my first colonic. my flipflop fetish. being stuck on a mountain in studio city.... and the daily nuances of my life which teeters at the brink of mediocrity.