$6,399

six thousand, three hundred and ninety-nine dollars

the hospital called today.

apparently i don't qualify for medi-cal b/c i don't have children, i'm not pregnant and i wasn't battered when i needed to go to the hospital.

i still haven't gotten over it.

THIS is exactly why i didn't want to go to the hospital.
my mom convinced me to go with that... "your health is worth it" jawn....
even she gasped when i spat that number at her this morning.
how the fuck am i going to pay $6399 to a hospital?
next time if i get sick... just let me fucking die.
the healthcare system in this country is seriously fucked up.
i'm going into debt for hte sake of my health?
for ONE visit to a doctor?
for that amoutn of money, i feel as if something really should have been wrong with me.
something serious.
i think i'd almost feel better if i'd had a serious illness that was treated.

the woman had the nerve to ask me if i wanted to pay if all straight out....
um yeah, let me just holla at my check book.
so now i'm going to be looking into ways to reduce my bill or at least make payments on it....
can you believe this shit?
i'm so disappointed.
i should have kept my sick ass at home.
here i am reading books about getting out of debt and fixing my credit score
and i racked up over 6g's in debt in 5 hours.
when you think about it, i paying the hospital nearly $1200/hr.

this is so fucking depressing.
i need to find a new vocation or some shit.
i'm tired of feeling broke and like i'm sinking.
unemployment has a way of completely demoralizing you.
why didn't i go to school for nursing or some shit?
something that meant job stability?
i know i'll change my tune when things start to look up....
but right now....
i want to crawl into bed and cry.

apparently people i know have been finding my blog....
i don't know how i feel about that.
how am i supposed to write freely with people reading it?
ok... jokes.

sherms says that i'm mean.
i see things (mostly unfortunate looking people)
and want to comment.
gene and i used to comment with such regularity that it never seemed wrong
all of a sudden, i find myself living with a buddhist
who dislikes my "evil" behavior.
it's not just him either.... other people think i'm mean.
secretly... i don't care.
i like being mean and bitchy and nasty.
i mean....
you're 250 pounds and you're wearing a thong bikini and i'm supposed to do what?
ugl... i mean unfortunate looking people are just too much
it's not just that they're ugl... unfortunate looking
it's usually something else that sets my mind to cut them down.
maybe i really am a catty bitch.
but i like it better in new york
i like to have frineds who will walk the streets and laugh at other people with me.
last night, i finally found that friend in koku
there was a woman with an afro... that wasn't quite right.
something about it was just wrong.
in the spirit of verbal restraint, i held my tongue.
once i went out with some sorors and talked about a group of people so badly, everyone thought i was some hell spawned bitch...
so i look at the offensive afro and then at koku.
people like me do this all the time.
it's code for: did you see that? and an invitation to bash the offensive image.
koku started in.
i was so happy
i think it's probably wrong to be hapy that other people talk badly of strangers.
but i was fucking relieved.
we bashed the afro by disguising our remarks as speculation for the cause of it's violently offputting stylings
sadly, the moment was more satisfying than krs-1 freesyling on stage for 30 mins....

i'm not a hip-hop head.... who am i fooling?
i don't know all the lyrics to tribe songs.
i don't know what year albums came out in.
i don't get why biggie was the greatest rapper of all time.
i just hang with the hip hop junkies.....
the musically pretentious
i'm one of the people jack black's character would have spit on in High Fidelity....
worse b/c i've perpretrated before....

in LA, hip-hop... especially underground hip-hop
belongs to the whites and asians.
they don't go out to dance.
they go out to stare at their favorite dj's and break dance.
to be honest, la's nightlife SUCKS.
last night i wanted to go home.
i thought about learning something completely new.... some skill i can transfer to another city.....
this morning, i came to my senses.

the sickness has ended.

sadly, i still haven't had a bowel movement,
but i had my first night of peacful sleep last night.

those of you still tuning in after my last disgusting entry...
i thank you for your loyalty.
and i thank your strong stomachs.

so i'm on the job hunt... again.
i can't wait until i build a really strong rep as a freelancer....
then i won't need to interview
people will call and ask me to work with them.

the funny thing is,
during my last gig, i got 2 offers
but they needed me immediately.

shit.
i
hate
hunting
for
production
jobs.

maybe the next entry will be my resume....

i've been sick for 3 days.

the man thinks it's the tumeric in the curry we've been eating all the time.
in the last 3 days, i've eaten half a cup of soup, a banana and 10 grapes (the last 2 today). i've vomited more times than i can count (just a rather nasty yellow liquid), i haven't had a single bowel movement. for over 24 hours, i had a burning fever that wouldn't break and my mouth seemed perpetually dry. i didn't have the energy to move. and i still have a small pain in the lower right portion of my abdomen. something tells me that whatever it is, it's prohibiting my bowel movement. i've tried salt water (vomited it) and senna tea. nothing. the pain has quelled a bit.... but i want it gone.

it's weird being sick around another person. growing up, my mom didn't do much coddling. i distinctly remember having a stomach virus, vomiting on my mother and being left alone to babysit my little sister..... since then, i haven't much liked being sick around people. i'd rather be alone than have anyone see me nearly helpless. i remember that incident so vividly. it hurt me.... it shaped how i viewed relying on other peopel to look after you....

honestly though. this man took care of me. on some held my head and pumped my stomach when i threw up. brought water to my bedside. rubbed my lower stomach. made sure i was okay. he stayed home all day as i drifted in and out of consciousness. and i felt really vulnerable. it's the kind of thing that i've done for a lot of people and never had it done for me.... never really expected it. i've never been involved with anyone like him... being taken care of is oddly humbling. it made me even more grateful to have him in my life.

so um... the job i *really* want... doesn't start until after Labor Day now. i'm not guaranteed anything but it feels good to know that they didn't leave me out of the loop for the second interview. when i called the interviewer yesterday and went to remind her of who i was, she told me that she remembered me very well and they had pushed back the start date and would not be doing second rounds until closer to that date. i want that job. more than i've wanted any job i've done before. *crosses fingers*

so um... i haven't talked to gene in like... a week or so. i was going to call him again... but i *hate* voicemail. i just despise always talking to an answering machine.... it's weird how i'm going through some sort of withdrawal. i used to talk to him everyday. he's my best friend. i really fucking miss him. lots. but i'm sick of leaving messages and never getting a returned phone call. rejection never did sit well with me.

good news sean is coming to visit! he'll be here the second week in october for a week. i'm *so* excited. sean is my original husband. he's the bestest. he gives the best hugs ever. he needs a break and i need some ny company. i miss home. i miss having good friends around me....

today is the day.
my last one at the company.
it's been a fun 11 weeks but now i have to say goodbye.

what now? i'm unemployed.

to make matters worse, my cell was turned off...
AGAIN... just now.
i'm going to pay it in full this weekend.
i negotiated a fair percentage with the accountant here for work calls.
it's not enough to pay the bill entirely....
but it's enough to help cut it in half tomorrow.

truthfully, the overages are mostly my fault.
i talked to sherms for over 3000 minutes last month....
what kind of craziness is that?
granted, most of them fell under the free nights and weekends
but all u need is 2 two-hour phone calls during peak hours and your minutes are DONE.
thankfully, i won't be on my cell like that anymore.

if i'm extremely lucky,
no potential employers will try contacting me this evening.
i'm going to drive by the sprint store to check the hours.
i need to be there when they open the doors.
it will take another 2 hours to turn my joint on.

i live for the day when my bills are not a problem.
for serious, one day ya'll- i'm going to be totally out of debt.
not even a student loan over my head.

it's coming.

soon.

i can feel it.

what else?

the man cooked last night.
bbq tofu, coconut rice and fried platanos.
it was banging.

i want to hit hte beach this weekend.
i'm hoping for a 100 degree day.
if it's 100 near us, it will only be 80 at the beach
for some reason, it's never been very hot when i go.
hopefully, i can get some knee and elbow pads
and put my rollerblades on.

i'm *terrified* of falling
what ever happened to the fearlessness i had as a kid?
i didn't wait to be taught to ride a bike.
my friend monique was the first person with one and i hopped on when it was my turn.
i didn't even *consider* falling.
now it's all i can think about when those blades are on my feet.

also, i'm taking him up to my sister's place to meet the fam and babysit with me.
i think they'll all get along well.
rai talked to him qite a bit over the phone.
we'll be babysitting too so she and ken can go out together.

a movie or 2 is on my priority list this weekend.
i must be the only person in the country who hasn't seen spiderman2
and harry potter? i've been waiting to see it for so long...
i'm even considering going up to rai's place early to hit the $1.50 theater.
nothing like a cheap movie.
the only movie i'd pay full price for right now is riding giants.
tim tells me it's excellent.

you excercise maniacs out there will be glad to know...
i'm working out.
not maniacally like you folks...
but just getting some shit done.
i decided (in my head at least)
after i weigh myself this weekend
not to get on again until my birthday in december.
i'm not as obsessed with my actual weight
as i am with my waistline.
in the three weeks since i initially bought the tape measure,
i've lost 2 inches.
last night, i measured my thighs too.
the goal: totally flat stomach & smaller thighs.
after that, the goals will be more muscle defined....
next time i'm in new york, imma have at the very least,
the beginnings of a six-pack.
the strangest thing about excercise?
i don't really mind it... once i'm started.
usually, i have the hardest time just getting out of the house.
i'm working on it though.
for serious.
i want to find the same commitment i had when i ws in college.
every day i reminded myself i had to go to the gym
b/c i was entering corporate america where looks mattered.
i lost 35 lbs telling myself that.

now when i work out, i talk to my thighs.
i'm rather verbally abusive towards them.
i've made them the enemy.
not just b/c they're large.... but b/c they get lazy.
when i started doign the hollywood hills, the'd always complain.
so now i focus on walking faster up the hills and telling the legs to shut up
after about an hour upwards, they do.
then it stops hurting...
then i'm in this really peaceful place.
where i'm not thinking about anything at all...
then i leave that place when the city comes into view.
at night, it lights up below the hills
and from above, this get this amazing feeling
i'm going to run this place one day.

so now wednesday is my last day here....

i'm starting to think they're going to round it off to a full week.
actually, i don't think that.
everyone else does.
i don't care either way.
i don't have a new job yet.
they know i'm looking
i just tell them i have an interview and i'll be late
they're so okay with that it's scary

i finally talked to my momma this weekend.
i told her
and the convesration went a little something like this
me: i have to go get sherman from the airport tonight
her: is he visiting?
me: no. he's here for good.
her: so are ya'll living together?
me: yeah.
her: i guess i have another child shacking up.
so what do my kids have against marriage?
me: name one that is good.
**crickets**
finally...
her: that's not the point. you make it good. set the example.
me: i don't think so. we seem to better at shacking.

the good thing about my momma is,
she's grown as a person a LOT since i left home.
i can talk to her about ANYTHING (save my stance on christianity)
and we'd be cool.
she hasn't passed any serious judgement on me in years.
truthfully, it went a LOT easier than i thought it would.
i mean, this woman knows about every man i've slept with.
she knows who broke my heart.
she knows the evil i wish upon people.
she knows what i'm afraid of.
and she knows what i'm made of.
i love her.

i find that it's much easier to make peace with your parents from a distance.
if she lived near me, i'd probably kill her.
we don't get along very well when we're in close proximity.
most of the time, it's my fault.
there's so much time has yet to heal.

this was a pretty big weekend.
friday i went out with a bunch of okaypees.
i met some of the cats from san diego
and don from the nati
tia and jasmine were in town too.
i get so excited whenever anyone from home is in town.
emil cut his hair.
i can't believe it.
emil with no facial hair and no fro?!
i *heart* him though.
always laid back and funny.
don is great too. he's very charismatic.

saturday.... well, u read about that.

sunday i took sherms to drea's art show.
he was kind of shy.
emil said i was a bad person b/c i didn't introduce him
for the record... i'm a social butterfly.
if i dont know you, i'll introduce myself.
i don't wait for introductions.
which means, i tend to not make them for others.
i'm clearly going to have to change that.

i was happy koku made an appearance b/c he livened up instantly.
he loves that woman.
actually, everyone probably loves that woman.
she's a great person and just all around loveable.
but for him, she's also familiar.
someone from home.
i am still hoping he doesn't have a really hard time adjusting.

oh, i almost forgot to tell u.
i woke this man up sunday morning to do pilates with me.
he *hates* pilates.
why?
that shit hurts.
he did it anyway.
then he said, lets go for a long walk.
of course, i'm always game to walk....
but this man walked me up the hollywood hills to damn near the pinnacle
over an hour straight up winding steep ass hills.
we just kept going up for as far as those roads would take us.
it was invigorating though.
my muscles feel grateful for the workout
but i can tell u that in some of those moments,
i wanted to kill him.
he has this thing about fixing my posture too.
at first i was annoyed...
but now i kind of appreciate it.
i'm always trying to work on that.
one of my greatest fears is having a hunchback.
i knew this woman from church growing up.
sister pickett.
she had the WORST hunchback ever
i used to have *really* bad posture.
my mom and sisters would always tell me to sit up
or else i'd end up like her.
TERROR
i think i picked it up when my breasts developed.
when i stand up properly,
i feel as if i'm trying to stick them out.
i mean.... they're kind of big.
i usually don't intentionally draw more attention to them....
i need to get over my complex.
if not for me, for the sake of my spine's future

um... my interview was this morning.
i thought it went really well.
i still need a job ya'll.
my resume is stellar.
holla if you know anoyone looking for a production coordinator.