my attitude sucks....

i'm sitting here at work in the shittiest mood. i don't know what happened. when i walked out of my house, i was feeling pretty bright. i think it's *her.* i dislike her in the same exact way i disliked my old supervisor at hbo. middle aged white women who have children far too young to be theirs and bad insecurity complexes. i just despise being micromanaged. i hate people who perpetually cc others on shit they send me. and i especially abhor repetetive speech.

now i can see why sherman gets annoyed with me about shit. if you asked me to do it and i said i'll do it, i'll fucking do it. don't tell me 3 more times and send me an e-mail in the span of 2 hours. that shit works my fucking nerves. i think i owe that man an apology. in my brain i'm trying to justify it like... well if u don't stay on his ass, nothing gets done. that's not entirely true. nothing gets done on my schedule and that's not fair. i think i'll apologize. if he's half as annoyed with me that i am with her... he deserves it.

so i'm thinking, immabout to get my hustleflower on. this weekend i went to vegas to see fam and friends that live in and were visiting sin city. i stayed at my (paternal) auntie's place and we had long discussions about being in business for ourselves. it got me thinking... da fuck am i doing working for other people? i don't belong. sometimes when i'm working with people i truly like and enjoy, i get fooled into thinking that maybe this is my calling. i get a rush from being the best.... but i dunno. while in town, i also saw my paternal uncle who reminded me that our fam was full of truculent people and if possible, we should work for ourselves. we don't really *like* people. not the browns. we don't take direction well at all.....

so now i'm thinking, imma just stay here and do hur. seriously folks. i can twist the shit out of some hair, i can treat it and loc it and make sure your natural hair grows. so now, i'm thinking... maybe i'll do hair from the house. i can pay my bills on 10 appointments/week and have more free time to do shit that *i* want to do. we all know black women spend more money than any other race on their hair. i need to be making some of that money. so the work's not challenging... who says it has to be? with the extra free time i'll have, i can do something else that challenges. werd... hair it is. imma have some cards and flyers made up and pass those joints out at the crenshaw mall. take a little trip to inglewood too. imma be the high priestess of this boho shit.

lemme go back to vegas. so i stayed with my 2 aunties (she has a partner) and i loved the guest room. they just bought a house and i was totally digging it. 4 bedrooms, 2 1/2 baths, living room, dining, family, laundry, lots of closets, inground pool and large yard. i *so* need a house. they were having it painted while i was there and the mexican cat they hired showed up with his 4 kids and wife. his kids took over the tv. he had us moving shit to lay the baby on the couch.... it was a mess. anyways, i really dig my auntie's partner. she's so sweet and friendly. apparently, she's going to meet my grandmother for the first time in october. i'd love to be a fly on the wall for that. my grandma, the uber christian has never met her daughter's partner of 6 years.... that's going to be an EXPERIENCE.

saturday night, i picked up my little sis and we went to see my (maternal) uncle John and aunt Cheri for dinner. they seem to be doing much much better. i haven't seen them since my cousin's funeral last october. while you can tell they're still kind of sad, it's good they haven't lost their sense of humor. i have this really weird connection with my uncle. i guess it's what some people feel for their fathers. when i walk into the room, i want to be under him. he always has the most secure embrace. that's the closest i've ever come to feeling a fatherly connection with anyone. i just love him to death. he talked about me for not eating meat anymore or drinking or smoking.... lol. "what is california doing to you?" cheri is such a nuturer. i don't think he'd survive without her. she just can't seem to sit down. i don't remember her being like that when i was younger...

so um... i'm mad at my line sisters. after dinner with fam on saturday, i go back to their hotel at on the strip to see them and hang out. they are all heading out so some club so i hang with my prophyte rose and catch up. then i see them later and everyone is still going somewhere else and asks when i'm leaving.... i tell thenm i'm thinking about getting on the road early that morning at like 5 or 6 to beat the traffic. shock, awe and total dismay ensues. i get guilted. "we hardly spent any time with you." "don't go yet" "stay on sunday" "aren't we worth 7 hours in traffic?" i cave.

do you know my phone didn't ring ONCE on sunday? i called them several times to see what the deal was. finally kita calls me back to inform me they're going to a convention activity and won't get to see me. i'm pissed but i let it go b/c i was spending the day with my little sis and didn't want to ruin it. can i just say for the record that i'm incredibly hurt. like *totally.* i'm trying to work this out in the next few days b/c if i don't, i can forsee straight cutting mofo's off. that's how i operate. you really hurt my feelings and i bounce. the thing is... i came to vegas to see them. especially them. i'd seen my lil sis a few months ago when she crossed. and the wack shit is: this happened when i went to that too. a bunch of them said they were coming into town to hang and be there for the weekend and they wimped out at the last minute. i did *not* appreciate it, but i let it go. all i can say now is, i'm done. i'm not making an effort to see anyone anymore. i'm just tired of flaky shit.

my mood really does suck. i'm not good at hiding my emotions. *everyone* here knows i'm in a bad mood today. they keep asking what's wrong. i want to scream: leave me the fuck alone. i think i'm dwelling. i *have* to let go.

my autie called me this morning and the following conversation followed:

me: hello?
her: he tab. your grandmother called while you were here and wanted me to telll you that your dad's wife passed. i didn't want to ruin your trip so i waited until you got home.
me: who? sylvia?
her: yeah
me: when?
her: july 12th
me: so how'd they find out?
her: well someone your dad knew saw him and offered his condolences.
me: ok. bye.

did i mention that my auntie also told me while i was in town: your dad wants you to call him. i replied with a simple: i don't think so.

i mean, WTF?

i have ZERO respect for this man. i was tempted to blow up on her for even coming at me with that but i caught myself. this ain't got nothiing to do with her. i mean... they ain't even married. he "married" her under false pretenses. he's *still* not divorced from his first wife. she moved out over a year ago and never came back. he had a baby with some other chick while she was dying of cancer. fuck him. werd up. i can't deal with the bullshit. it's a total waste of my time. why should i deal with a man whose name i can't stand the sound of? father? i have no father.

part of me wants to call her family and apologize for not telling them what kind of man he was when i met them. part of me feels as if my family owes them something for making that last few precious moments of her life miserable.

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yeah, imma go home in an hour and work on all this.