in 11 days, i'll be 26 years old

i hate birthdays. i've hated them since i was 12 and my mother announced that after 12- you were not having any more parties.... when i turned 12, she hosted my party at a skating rink. it was a good deal. for $20 your kid and 15 of his/her friends could skate for a few hrs. at a designated time, they'd make an annoncement that your party was celebrating and assign you a table where everyone with your party would come over sing happy birthday and indulge in whatever food/drinks your parents had provided. the thing is- i couldn't skate. it was my party and i was the only kid there who could not skate. when you're a kid, you're supposed to pick that stuff up right away... well, when you're any kid but me. i lack coordination and balance.... ask ANY of my yoga instrctors. i can strecth my way all over a mat but don't ask me to stand on one foot.... so yeah, i couldn't skate and no one wanted to help me learn. so i struggled on and off the floor. when it was time for "just the boys" to skate, i tried desperately to get off the floor to no avail. same with "couple's skate.." ahh well. i've since learned to roller skate. i'm not really good but i generally don't fall anymore.... but yeah, i'd say that was the beginning of the next bad years worth of birthdays.

there are several problems with my birthday. the first of which is- it falls a week before christmas. which means everyone is strapped for cash and they're trying to give me ONE gift for both. then, when i was younger, my fam used to give me money on my birthday. a fact my siblings counted on. i would generally use every penny buying them shit. oh, they took advantage of my giving nature and i pretty much grew to resent it. the last problem is the real issue i have these days- no matter how i try to enjoy it, i just can't. i'm always flooded with the memories of shitty birthdays.
being grounded by the former step-parent at 16 for some dmb shit wile my mom stood by and let it happen.
my parents bouncing to the carribean for vacation and not leaving a gift or calling (that happened twice).
the many years when my mom and fam have just forgotten it altogether.
the year my ex-boyfriend stood me up to my own party. i should have ended it then.
the year my best friend refused to come b/c he didn't want to be in a room to many of my sorors. as if it was actually about him.
the year another ex came for all of 10 mins before my party and dropped of a gift then abandoned me.
last year when my stubborn assed boyfriend refused to even say 'happy birthday' to me on the grounds that he doesn't celebrate... although he willingly excepts gifts for his.

yeah... birthdays have sucked. i've tried to do shit on my own to not make them suck so much but they do. to be painfully honest, i'll admit here and now why i'm always so upset about it. your birthday is the one day of the year where the people you care most about in the world are supposed to celebrate you. i've never felt that. not genuinely. ever. it's always like some terrible afterthought.... so what hurts is that- you want the people you care so deeply about to care that something is special to you. to cherish it just because it is important o you. and every year, i am consumately let down.... even if 15 distant friends call, if the main 5 people in my life don't act like they give a shit- i feel horrible. this year, i wanted not to celebrate at all. i wanted not to feel so incredibly sensitive about it. i wanted to just sleep in all day and pretend the day isn't happening. on some sleeping pill coma shit.... but here i am. considering doing something nice for myself. trying to prepare myself to be let down... again. and really- i dunno. i don't think my heart can take any disappointed expectations. i don't want to feel totally vulnerable and depressed b/c the people i want to care just.... don't.

so i have a dilemna. on one hand- i want to spend money on myself. i'm thinking mani-pedi. new shit from fredericks i had my eye on (can you believe it's been at least 3 yrs since i've bought any nice undergarments?), and maybe an outfit. on the other hand... i don't want to do anything for myself b/c in a way it will remind me of the way i generally feel about my life. at the end of the day- there's just me.