children overwhelm me

maybe it's b/c i spent my own childhood taking care of younger siblings. back then i could be home ALL day with them. feeding them. disciplining them. putting them to bed. as soon as i went away to college, i abandoned all of it. i felt free for the first time in my life. i was only responsible for me now. no worries abt sick siblings, lazy parents, cooking for families, cleaning after a horde of folks.

for the next two weeks, i'll have my niece and nephew. my sister and her husband asked if we could take care of them for their christmas break so they could avoid the incredible daycare costs. you see- they're moving to Vegas next year. funny right? when i was planning to move to Atlanta- my sister guilted me so horribly on the pretense that i was her only family in california. her kids afterall, needed family. do you think she bothered to consult me on the Vegas thing? do you think she cares that i'll now be without a single blood relative in the state? nope. ok... so i got a little distracted. the point is- they're saving and i'm not currently employed. so i talked to the man and we said yes.....

they've been here for 3 days now and i want badly to escape. i'm sick of runny noses, feeding 3 meals plus snacks, cleaning after them, making sure they shower, sending them to stand in corners, taking them everywhere i go no matter how minute the place. they're only 4 and 6 and not yet old enough to stay home alone. the man isn't' of much help. whenever we have them he seems to annoy me more than usual. in all fairness tho- he's been annoying. since i've been home i don't think he's cleaned a single thing in the house. he hasn't cooked either. essentially- i'm sick of it. it's what's desperately driving me to go back to work. i'm sick of the (since he' never admit it) unconscious idea that since i'm not working, my job it to take care of him. i'm sick of the expectation that he can leave a mess and i'll clean it b/c i hate seeing it. he doesn't care how the house looks. i'm extremely sensitve abt the house. a messy place makes me insane. it's slowly driving me mad and creating a great deal of annoyance and frustration on my end. more and more i just want not to be around him b/c he ignores my complaints and pleas for him to change his behavior......

ok, so i got off track again. let's just say having the kids here is the icing on the cake. i feel like such a rotten person for saying. i want my space back. i want to be home alone working on projects and applying for jobs. i don't want to keep children. they are simply incapable of listening to direction. perfect example: i say- go to the car. i follow outside and they are playing in the driveway. another: i say- kiara- run straight and grab sherman. she runs into a store and starts frantically looking around. i mean- what the HELL? how difficult is it to 'run straight'? anyways.... this is how ALL my interactions with them are. they simply seem incapable of listening and following direct action.

i'm incredibly agitated at the moment. i want everyone out of my place. i want to clean it from head to toe and get some work done. i have treatments that need a lot of work. i have scripts that need to be read and books too. he worst part of all this is that- it makes me question whether or not i want to be a mom and if i'd actually be good at it. i get so frustrated and annoyed by them. i feel like locking them in a soundproof room and pretending they're somewhere else. i've thought abt hiring a babysitter... i just feel overwhelmed. i don't know if i have the patience for this anymore.