the changes that come with personal evolution

often pull at the very foundation of who we always thought we were. our friendships wear thin and expire. often they are discarded or die in the same way that plants do. not enough nurturing or care. too lazy to learn or adapt in order to keep them growing healthy and strong.

i'd accepted that long ago... with two exceptions. somehow i'd believed that my two best friends would be the exceptions to the general rule that's prevailed throughout my entire life. rule: no friendship lasts forever. we will change in unpredictable ways over the years and unless that person is changing likewise, it WILL end. i never begrudged the rule. it was natural. it was not set upon ill intent. it wasn't personal. it was just a simple part of life. an accepted fact. i knew that none of my friendships would last as long as my time on earth just as surely as i knew the sun would rise every day... yet somehow, i allowed myself the hope and the honest belief that these two would be different.

i've always been one to change and only my family bonds have withstood the test. mostly b/c the things that bind us are deeper than ideals or politics or shared poverty. bonds that were built over years of shared experiences. ones that have stood despite the many evolutions i've gone through. my family expects me to change. while they often think i'm strange, they adjust accordingly. friendships however, do not. i'm not sure what it is that allows friends to discard each other because of their changes... but it exists. it's the reason why while i'm reluctant to admit it, family bonds are stronger. they don't fray or go away simply b/c you've found religion or you're a black conservative or you've gained waight or had a child. they're meant to last in ways that friendships aren't. maybe it's b/c they're not built around *liking* a person. they're built around loving in spite of....

in the last few weeks i've come to the realization that mine are dying. i've tried to resusitate them. i've tried to nurture them. talk things out. build. understand. relate. be blatantly honest abt how i'm feeling. to my dismay, at least one of those relationships i'd thought to be indestructible is gone. maybe it's b/c i haven't been through these "rough patches" or phases where "we're not talking to each other" i've never been known to do that sort of thing. i try to work it out. i try to be a soldier. but once i see that my efforts are futile.... that i'm in this alone.... that i'm the only one invested in the relationship... i'm out. it's just that simple.

what's odd is that it hurts more than anything. it feels like the worst breakup of my life. i've cried about it. i've retraced my steps to figure out where i went wrong. when things started going awry, i tried harder. even though my calls were ignored, i kept calling. it's what i do. i work and work at something until i gain the resolve necessary to do what needs to be done. in the end, i don't want to ever feel as if i didn't try hard enough. after six years of friendship. sleepoveers. meals shared. psycho girlfriends. shoulders cried on. hurts confessed. shames shared. laughter in streets. money borrowed. painful honesty. b & n outings. walks through the city. people watching excursions. concerts. lunch dates. sex talks. loves lost. college graveyard shifts. dead end jobs. hope renewed. all night discussions. dsyfuntional family stories. happy moments. belligerent asshole scenes. new apartments. strange parties.

it seems as if i'm saying goodbye.

i really tried and to my dismay, after all that.... us, we, best friends.... we still weren't worth saving?

it breaks my heart.

goodbye.