lonliness.

sometimes i miss being lonely.
when you're alone... you don't have to worry about other people.
you don't have to care what they think about you.

in the last few years, i've made the effort to do better with my life
in several ways.

i've adjusted my attitude to a major degree.
i've changed my eating patterns.
i've excersized more.
i've done more for people.
i've worked harder.
i've read more.
i've learned new things.
i've been more open to change.

sometimes it seems like the changes you make are never enough.
2 years ago my best friend referrred to me as "a belligerent asshole"
the beef: i was nasty to service people.
customer service people. store clerks. taxi drivers. waitresses. you name it.
now... in the time since that reality check, i've adjusted quite a bit.
i don't get loud.
i don't tell people off.
i don't berate them.
i make an effort to smile.

yet here i am.
new city. new boyfriend and new complaints.
his major complaint: my reactions to service people when i don't get what i want.
he hates that i occasionally rollmy eyes or sigh.
now, in all fairness, he didn't know me two years ago.
but right now, i'm not receptive.
i feel like i'm under attack.
like my character is constantly in question.
i feel as if he's being petty.
his words: "i don't like when you act like that because i see how they look at you. your attitude is not necessary. i don't want people associating me with you when you're acting like that. it's a reflection on me."

now most of the time. i don't say anything. i sigh and walk away.
he still thinks that is a major problem.
i think a sigh is minute.

frankly, i don't give a fuck what most people think about me.
a big part of changing my attitude in the first place was making myself give a fuck.

sometimes, i approach my general attitude with the mindset:
i'm a good person. a great friend. i got out of my way for people. i have gone into debt to help other people. i have sacrificed my own comfort and well being to do for others. i know at least a 50 people who will testify to that. what does it matter if i roll my eyes sometimes? i have a harsh manner. can you get fucking used to it? i'm a greater good type of person. if there is a bunch of fucking good, why must i always have to hear bad shit?

sometimes i don't care that i hurt your feelings. not the people i barely know. is that a fucking crime? must i be made to feel like i'm not shit because strangers don't love me? the people who matter most know my heart. they know my intentions.

i've been approaching this topic with various people.
my general attitude.
i'm not a first time likeable person.
most people won't like me the first time they meet me.
should i worry about that?
you'll probably think that i think i'm better than most.
i do.

do i have to change my mannerisms so you are comfortable?
or should i entertain your shallow encounters with me as the final judgement on who i am?
part of me wants to change.....
but not for the right reasons.
i don't care what strangers think of me.
i care what the people who love me think of me.
right now, that's not reason enough.
i have to keep searching.
i'm not in the mood to constantly placate soft skinned strangers.
it will change when people leave me the fuck alone.
god... isn't it enough that i'm not a belligerent fuck anymore?







i'm going to work that around in my mind some more......






um...
so i learned one lesson from my genetic sperm donor growing up.
trust people to be who they are.
i saw something this weekend in someone.
i know now.
it's sad.
i'm still a bit hurt about it.
but i was reminded of whay my deceased auntie used to tell me.
never depend on ANYONE for shit.
always do for self.
don't trust that anyone will support you.
trust yourself and your own abilities.

with that, i've decided to get a non-industry job.
the important thing now is to be working and taking care of my affairs.