the myth of struggle

we don't always stay positive
and it's not always okay

in fact, struggle HURTS.

struggle is to be respected.

it's not sexy. it's not fun... and frankly,

i'm sick of it.


i find myself spending 3-4 hrs a day
on the computer applying to jobs.
it's horribly dehumanizing
to constantly make an effort and never experiecne fruition.
i'm sick of being unemployed.
i'm sick of sinking into this abyss of debt and despair.
i'm sick of borrowing money to stay afloat.
i'm sick of telling ppl that i haven't found a job yet
i'm sick of ppl asking me if i'm trying hard enough

i applied for a job at a coffee house yesterday.
i'm registered with 3 temp agencies.
i went to 6 clothing stores yesterday looking for work.
none of them were hiring.

i feel like i need to focus on something else for a while
to get my mind off the black hole
that is my employment status
that's hard to do b/c
it seems as if every minute of the day
when you're not actively looking for a job,
you're wasting time.
i feel guilty when i try to do something else.

on top of that... there's the myth of struggle
to live up to.
if i just stay positive...
do you know how hard it is to stay positive?
how difficult it is to repeat to your friends and family
that you haven't found a job yet?
how hard it is to hold on to your original goal
when nothing seems to go right?
it's hard not to give up.
not to feel totally defeated.
not to cry for your utter failure
it's hard to believe in yourself....
and it's hard as shit to stay positive.

it's worse when you don't have a support system in place.
there are no cheerleaders who take you to lunch and calm you.
i'm alone here.
the b/f?
i'm sick of hearing the phrase
"i don't care"
sometimes i wonder why we bother.
i love him but,
there are so many parts of my life
that i don't feel like i can discuss with him
he has this way of totally making me feel unwelcome in his space
as if i don't belong and my concerns aren't important.
it's funny.
because you think being with someone means
having a shoulder to lean on?
i still don't have that shoulder.

god my posts are depressing.
i wish they weren't
i'm tired of being the depressing friend with no good news.
i've had so many of those friends in life.
i remember after months of listening to them...
how i started to want to avoid them
i didn't want to hear their chronic bad news.
i try my best not to do that to my friends.


speaking of friends...
gene has a new g/f
she's coming to LA soon and we're going to hang out.
i'm kinda excited about that.
he likes her a lot and she seems nice
at least from my limited e-mail conversations.
it's kind of weird meeting her for the first time without him.
but i'm game.
i'm so curious.
and she has this name that i really dig.

what else?
kita is pretty busy these days.
it's hard keeping up with her.
i feel like we're growing apart some.
i'm trying to fix that, but i'm not exactly sure how.

wannaknowsomethingelse?
there re several times throughout the day
when i have to stave off the thought
"i want to go back home and be with my friends"
"i miss my old life"
sometimesihaveahardtimeremembering
why i left ny in the first place.
somebody remind me.

there's the myth knawing at my heart again
POSITIVE.
you have to stay positive and diligent
in your efforts to accomplish your goals

yeah

yeah

struggle.