i started writing again

and words cant really express how good that feels. it's been 4 years of nothing and just like rain, the story just poured into me.

i also found out i didn't get a gig i wanted and after getting past the pride thing, i realized that every single time i've wanted a job and didnt get it- something better has come along not much long after... something much better. so not getting it is merely preparing me for the better thing coming. i feel very confident in that and it calms me when i'm feeling anxious abt the search.

i have another interview on monday.

i've started working towards several productions. i hope to incorporate both companies within the next month. one geared towards more commercial endeavors and the other geared towards the embodiment of my personal beliefs and goals of communal upliftment.

i woke up this morning and stared at this man lying next to me and i was certain. certain that every thing we've gone through together has been worth it because of these mornings. certain that our spirits were locked in this dance even when our phyiscal bodies weren't. just certain.

remember: "the buck fifty stops here?"

the famous wamu slogan of old?

yes folks, it was bullshit. maybe in the back of our mind we knew it all along. a desperate attempt to attract us to the aggressive expansion of the now largest savings and loan company in the country. we actually believed that perhaps they would stand by saving consumers that oh-so-profitable surcharge (of course the full value of that profit can never really be know since banks won't list the surcharges as a seperate earnings line item). apparently the buck fifty doesn't stop anywhere anymore. now that it's growth has slowed and the numerous takeovers have simmered down, washington mutual has proved itself to be no better than any regular assed bank.

this morning i used the man's bank card to withdraw money to pay bills and was suprised with that little piece of information. what? no huge tv and print campaign? no slogan? how about: we're fucking you just like our competitors.

i came home pissed about relinquishing that cash. i feel duped. lied to. washington mutal did us dirty. it made us think it was better than other banks and it just wasn't. i should have known when they hit me with a $30 fee for being tless than $2.00 over my account limit. i saw the signs... i wanted to beleive them. maybe i'll just say fuck it and join a credit union next time.

children overwhelm me

maybe it's b/c i spent my own childhood taking care of younger siblings. back then i could be home ALL day with them. feeding them. disciplining them. putting them to bed. as soon as i went away to college, i abandoned all of it. i felt free for the first time in my life. i was only responsible for me now. no worries abt sick siblings, lazy parents, cooking for families, cleaning after a horde of folks.

for the next two weeks, i'll have my niece and nephew. my sister and her husband asked if we could take care of them for their christmas break so they could avoid the incredible daycare costs. you see- they're moving to Vegas next year. funny right? when i was planning to move to Atlanta- my sister guilted me so horribly on the pretense that i was her only family in california. her kids afterall, needed family. do you think she bothered to consult me on the Vegas thing? do you think she cares that i'll now be without a single blood relative in the state? nope. ok... so i got a little distracted. the point is- they're saving and i'm not currently employed. so i talked to the man and we said yes.....

they've been here for 3 days now and i want badly to escape. i'm sick of runny noses, feeding 3 meals plus snacks, cleaning after them, making sure they shower, sending them to stand in corners, taking them everywhere i go no matter how minute the place. they're only 4 and 6 and not yet old enough to stay home alone. the man isn't' of much help. whenever we have them he seems to annoy me more than usual. in all fairness tho- he's been annoying. since i've been home i don't think he's cleaned a single thing in the house. he hasn't cooked either. essentially- i'm sick of it. it's what's desperately driving me to go back to work. i'm sick of the (since he' never admit it) unconscious idea that since i'm not working, my job it to take care of him. i'm sick of the expectation that he can leave a mess and i'll clean it b/c i hate seeing it. he doesn't care how the house looks. i'm extremely sensitve abt the house. a messy place makes me insane. it's slowly driving me mad and creating a great deal of annoyance and frustration on my end. more and more i just want not to be around him b/c he ignores my complaints and pleas for him to change his behavior......

ok, so i got off track again. let's just say having the kids here is the icing on the cake. i feel like such a rotten person for saying. i want my space back. i want to be home alone working on projects and applying for jobs. i don't want to keep children. they are simply incapable of listening to direction. perfect example: i say- go to the car. i follow outside and they are playing in the driveway. another: i say- kiara- run straight and grab sherman. she runs into a store and starts frantically looking around. i mean- what the HELL? how difficult is it to 'run straight'? anyways.... this is how ALL my interactions with them are. they simply seem incapable of listening and following direct action.

i'm incredibly agitated at the moment. i want everyone out of my place. i want to clean it from head to toe and get some work done. i have treatments that need a lot of work. i have scripts that need to be read and books too. he worst part of all this is that- it makes me question whether or not i want to be a mom and if i'd actually be good at it. i get so frustrated and annoyed by them. i feel like locking them in a soundproof room and pretending they're somewhere else. i've thought abt hiring a babysitter... i just feel overwhelmed. i don't know if i have the patience for this anymore.

movie hopping

used to be one of my favorite past times. back home i'd pretty much perfected the art of seeing roughly 4 movies in one day for less than $6. most people worry that they'll get caught. there are two three things to know to know to avoid worry or being caught.

1. pick the right theater. some theaters have mechanisms set up to ensure you CANNOT hop. usually this is in the form of dividing the theaters by floor or section and having ticket stub takers man each section. this way there are probably only 3 films in each wing that either a. are not films you want to see or b. are timed so similarly that hopping is impossible.

2. it's ALL about timing. i find that moviefone.com is best used when planning a day of film jumping because they list the times and the length of the film on the same page. this way one can calculate what times their movies get out and the times others begin. then write up a schedule. ie. 11:30 Memoirs of a Geisha (2hr24min + 15 mins of previews ends @ 2:10) >>>>2:00 Rent (you can use the previews as pad to get to movies late- 2hr15mins +previews ends at 4:30)>>>> 4:50 Syriana. now the key is, figuring out which theater is playing which film at which time. luckily most films will list the times on a scrolling marquee above each door. when i arrive at the venue, i generally do a walk through and log which theaters i'll be hitting for which film. never wait for a movie for more than 20-30 min. this way- it's believable that you're there a little early.

3. bring your own food. you DO NOT want to keep hitting the snack bar for every film, allowing potentially the same staff people to get a look at you over and over.... but really tho- those folks aren't paid enough to care. that tidbit is to save you money and to keep you paranoia down.

now,, go in peace and happy movie hopping.

for colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf

i first read that book in high school. my english teacher gave it to me b/c i was participating in something called "prize speaking" which was essentially a contest in which contestants acted out a piece of literature on stage. they were judged and he/she with eh highest score won money. i did a piece from lady in red. i placed second.

sunday i saw the show performed for at the AFIBA center in Los Angeles. i invited arielle to come with me b/c several months ago she mentioned to me she was interested in producing the play here in LA. the thing is- i remember not being able to connect with most of the characters back then. i thought them so incredibly jaded having endured such cruelty and pain. i imagined them to be the epitome of the "bitter black woman" the stories are so... *sigh* painful.

the thing is- i felt sad throughout the entire play. most of the poems selected and performed seemed to scathe me in some way. like- understanding and relating to them was only indicative of how much pain i've endured in my short life. when i couldn't relate all those years ago, i'd felt exempt. like i was never going to be labeled "bitter black woman"

but more and more- i resent it. i resent that black men, our men... can't see why we have attitudes. i resent feeling as if i have to apologize for being angry at all. i resent that we are treated as if our attitudes are unfounded or without cause. i listened to the play... and i related to what those women had gone through and i wanted to yell at every man who has ever strung the words 'bitter black woman' together in a sentence. i wanted to make them feel all the pain we have experienced at the hands of men- both black and white. i wanted to show them how much hurt we shoulder when our families are abandoned, when we are raped or molested, when our men cheat, when we are left raising children alone, when we are disrespected in the streets, when we are dogged b/c they lack the maturity to commit, when we are beaten or abused, when we are talked down to, when we are objectified, when we are treated as if we ain't shit, when are taken for granted, when our hearts are broken, when we are told that white women are better because (insert bullshit here), when we sacrifice our desires for theirs, when we give 100% and don't get reciprocity.

i get sick of them being dismissive of the shit we may be going through. shit, the stuff we HAVE gone through. i'm not saying our pain is a license for being a bitch but really- you try balancing the weigh of the world on your shoulders. try supporting families alone. try not being jaded after being hurt or betrayed time after time.... and you know- i carry a little guilt. i was that woman that sided with them. i was on some: i don't get why they are so bitter and angry... but you know what? i may be be that woman some day. maybe there's only so much hurt a woman can shoulder before she become that hurt. maybe there's only so many times she can allow her heart to be broken without expecting it to. maybe she's been there too many times to walk into anything with no baggage and insecurities. i'm starting to wonder- how many times can you be hurt before you become just another colored girl who has considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf?

in 11 days, i'll be 26 years old

i hate birthdays. i've hated them since i was 12 and my mother announced that after 12- you were not having any more parties.... when i turned 12, she hosted my party at a skating rink. it was a good deal. for $20 your kid and 15 of his/her friends could skate for a few hrs. at a designated time, they'd make an annoncement that your party was celebrating and assign you a table where everyone with your party would come over sing happy birthday and indulge in whatever food/drinks your parents had provided. the thing is- i couldn't skate. it was my party and i was the only kid there who could not skate. when you're a kid, you're supposed to pick that stuff up right away... well, when you're any kid but me. i lack coordination and balance.... ask ANY of my yoga instrctors. i can strecth my way all over a mat but don't ask me to stand on one foot.... so yeah, i couldn't skate and no one wanted to help me learn. so i struggled on and off the floor. when it was time for "just the boys" to skate, i tried desperately to get off the floor to no avail. same with "couple's skate.." ahh well. i've since learned to roller skate. i'm not really good but i generally don't fall anymore.... but yeah, i'd say that was the beginning of the next bad years worth of birthdays.

there are several problems with my birthday. the first of which is- it falls a week before christmas. which means everyone is strapped for cash and they're trying to give me ONE gift for both. then, when i was younger, my fam used to give me money on my birthday. a fact my siblings counted on. i would generally use every penny buying them shit. oh, they took advantage of my giving nature and i pretty much grew to resent it. the last problem is the real issue i have these days- no matter how i try to enjoy it, i just can't. i'm always flooded with the memories of shitty birthdays.
being grounded by the former step-parent at 16 for some dmb shit wile my mom stood by and let it happen.
my parents bouncing to the carribean for vacation and not leaving a gift or calling (that happened twice).
the many years when my mom and fam have just forgotten it altogether.
the year my ex-boyfriend stood me up to my own party. i should have ended it then.
the year my best friend refused to come b/c he didn't want to be in a room to many of my sorors. as if it was actually about him.
the year another ex came for all of 10 mins before my party and dropped of a gift then abandoned me.
last year when my stubborn assed boyfriend refused to even say 'happy birthday' to me on the grounds that he doesn't celebrate... although he willingly excepts gifts for his.

yeah... birthdays have sucked. i've tried to do shit on my own to not make them suck so much but they do. to be painfully honest, i'll admit here and now why i'm always so upset about it. your birthday is the one day of the year where the people you care most about in the world are supposed to celebrate you. i've never felt that. not genuinely. ever. it's always like some terrible afterthought.... so what hurts is that- you want the people you care so deeply about to care that something is special to you. to cherish it just because it is important o you. and every year, i am consumately let down.... even if 15 distant friends call, if the main 5 people in my life don't act like they give a shit- i feel horrible. this year, i wanted not to celebrate at all. i wanted not to feel so incredibly sensitive about it. i wanted to just sleep in all day and pretend the day isn't happening. on some sleeping pill coma shit.... but here i am. considering doing something nice for myself. trying to prepare myself to be let down... again. and really- i dunno. i don't think my heart can take any disappointed expectations. i don't want to feel totally vulnerable and depressed b/c the people i want to care just.... don't.

so i have a dilemna. on one hand- i want to spend money on myself. i'm thinking mani-pedi. new shit from fredericks i had my eye on (can you believe it's been at least 3 yrs since i've bought any nice undergarments?), and maybe an outfit. on the other hand... i don't want to do anything for myself b/c in a way it will remind me of the way i generally feel about my life. at the end of the day- there's just me.

intuition

is strong. i've been having feelings about my life that i'm afraid of vocalizing. they've been on my mind heavily and i feel like my instincts are right. it's like i'm about to enter a huge transitional phase in my life. one that will alter it more than any of my previous changes and adventures..... even if i sit still- it will come and engulf me. i don't have to run to it. everything in me says it's coming... i suppose the most obvious sign has been my deep feelings of wanderlust. i keep listening to this track from the ecleftic called "runaway." it features john forte and earth wind and fire. a dope track... really- wyclef is a seriously underrated musician. speaking of fugees members... if you haven't heard it yet- you MUST check for the latest John Legend remix of "so high" featuring lauryn hill. um... i haven't even critically listened to the song yet. i'm just so happy to hear her making non-crazy/depressing music again. FUCK that unplugged shit (i see you stacia). also on the playlist is "free" and "one is the magic #" from jill scott's live album.

some nights i have dreams about exploring the world alone. learning new languages. making new communities and familes. climbing the andes mountains or trees in the amazon. visiting the shores of ghana and learning how to weave and make fabric. in short... i feel like running away. the conflict is- i have obligations. i've committed to working on this production company with my homeboy from college. i can't throw my all into it right now b/c my soul becons from across the ocean. does that make sense? my urge to run is really strong right now. i feel like i'm almost self sabotaging myself so i can just go. i don't even want to tell anyone where i am other than a cryptic e-mail that i've left the country and i'm safe.... yeah um.

i'm trying to come down fromt his feeling... but i think it's happening b/c i've supressed it for years. i'm secretly hoping it takes me despite my resistance. no matter the the temporal hurt it may cause me.

the gods of googgle

have shined their light upon me. this weekend i found the most amazing information about small businesses. i now have a template for a business plan and an abundance of resources at my fingertips to get started on something more concrete than the ideas in my head. on top of that, the man got me final draft (script writing software) and final cut (editing software). all i need now is a camera. that's another idea enirely... but i say that to say this... the resources are coming together. every week i meet someone who makes helps me put my various goals in perspective. this week it came by way of a soror the man met. he fixed some stuff on her computer and she and i hung out. she's a producer who also does real estate. i wasn't interested int he producing nearly as much as i was in the real estate hustle. she's got me seriously thinking abt enrolling in a class to get my license. mostly. i want to know how it all works so when i have money to invest, i know how to handle it.

the man also met this dope sister who is helping me get up on my ethiopian food game. she's lived all over including BOTh of our root cities. Utica, NY? what other person in california had been to utica? i got up with her and her fam today at the drum sessions in leimert. we're going to get together again later this week. it's funny... since i stepped out of my tv bubble, good people seem to be all around me. folks keep walking into my life with positive energy and ideas and it inspires me to be better. just their presence makes me wanna know and do more.

los angeles is starting to look better to me. i'm finding various communities and pockets of folks i can get down with. in the last three weeks i've gotten up with rastas, hebrew israelites, ethiopians and a bunch of other culturally minded folks. just today i spent some time talking with the sisters that come to the drumming on sundays. they were very beautiful women. community minded. i'm thinkng of doing a dinner party to get all these different folks together and see what happens. i think a lot of friendships or cool connections could be made. i have this idea and in my head, i see it's progression and growth b/c it's not about me. really, it's bigger than me. and it's coming. sooner than even i think.