even hours spent in the car

have slowly become the bane of my existence. after weeks of fighting and arguing over the radio, the man and i came to a compromise. at even hours of the day, the radio belongs to him. odd hours are mine. since that time, he's revolutionized the way we listen to audio in the car. initially my car was equipped with a crappy radio with no tape deck or cd player to speak of. after several devices, we've evolved into using a wireless contraption that plugs into his ipod and uses the radio to transmit the output. in addition to that, he now has capabilities to put sound bites from movies on the ipod. my god... i dread his hours. in the last two days, i've been subjected to monologues and scene excerpts from "A Time to Kill", "The Ususal Suspects", "The Way of the Gun", "Made"... the list goes on. because we have this arrangement, i've vowed not to complain. instead, i'm trying to figure out how i can structure my only time in the car to be during my radio hours. this will involve way more planning and preparedness than i'm willing to give so i'll just settle for waiting another week until i'm unemployed and driving as little as possible during the off time.

mothers day was yesterday. i spoke to my mother, my sister and one auntie. today i'm still feeling the guilt of not talking to my paternal grandmother. truthfully, i haven't talked to her in at least a year and i don't really want to. my grandmother is the christian who originally converted my mom 25 years ago. i think i still have issues with her stemming from my freshman year of college. that was the year my father screwed me for the very last time. in hs we'd finally won a child support case against him. he was to pay me abt $350/mo until i was 18 or until i graduated from college. he called my dorm room and asked if he could send the money to me directly each month to assist with paying for my education. he even asked, what would be the most convenient time for me to receive it. i was confident that with a court order and his seemingly helpful disposition, i would have some help in the coming 4 years. so i bought books and things with the money that would be forthcoming any day now. and the check arrived as planned. after depositing the check, i received a very rude awakening... there was no money in the account from which the check was written. my bank charged my $30 for bouncing it. on top of that, i had other checks that would be cashed soon and no funds to cover it. i called my mom to ask for assistance covering my checks... i called randy, convinced that it was a mere error on his part. he seemed very upset about the mishap and resolved to simply western union the money to me the coming thursday. thursday came and went without a word form him. he didn't return my calls and soon, i couldn't get through to the number at all. i learned another lesson about trusting a person like my father. in the following months, i would relay this story to my sister who was living with our paternal grandmother in virginia. she would tell me how he repeatedly promised to help her get into school etc and renneged each time. i told my story... all of a sudden, my grandmother's voice booms over the phone to chastise us of speaking ill of him. huh? you've been eavesdropping on our call and have the NERVE to defend your shitty excuse of an offspring? yeah, she never sat right with me after that. i cannot understand how you can condone that behavior from you adult son. a son that has never been there for his own offspring a day in his life. i son that had to be taken to court to help support those offspring. i son who at 40 was still as selfish as a coddled little boy. i cannot get down. couple my feelings about that with her consistent record of silence when he does wrong and her christian zealotry, and you'll understand how difficult it is for me to call. i fear that one day she'll be dead and i'll regret never having spent the time to get to know her or to forgive her...