romanticizing anything is dangerous

it's our minds version of denial. this weekend i felt as if i've romanticized my city to the point of being let down. it could be b/c i stayed in harlem... and harlem isnt' really my favorite neighborhood. it could be that i was running around on other people's schedule and didn't have time to cultivate that old loving feeling with my city.... but mostly i got the overwhelming idea that i'd glossed over my city's flaws like a spurned lover who refuses to let go. truth number one: harlem is dirty as shit. truth number two: while it's easier to get around- it takes a long fucking time. traffic in a city equipped with the best transportation system in the world still sucks. truth number three: my friends aren't pefect. i've romanticized them too. in my mind, they'd become flawless. they sit on a pedestal looking down their noses at californians...

home. when i left, i got the feeling that this isn't it. i haven't really found home yet. there are things i adore about nyc (finding a street vendor with natural shea butter, oil for my locs, and my favorite soap) ... but it's not where i'm going to spend the rest of my life. walking through fort greene, i contemplated it... but i didn't feel it. i still can't fathom paying $250K for a 2 bedroom condo in brooklyn. it always comes back to one simple truth. i haven't found home yet. although i'm from utica, ny... that's not home either. maybe my mind has adopted a unrealistic idea of what home is... maybe that's why i don't mind uprooting myself and trying a new city. sometimes i feel like a lost soul just wandering waiting to feel more. to feel connected to a place by more than a job.... i need to build a foundation that i feel rooted to.

besides those musings, the trip home was great. i spent the bulk of the time with my sorors. my line sisters and i celebrated our fourth delta anniversary.... a saw some folks i haven't seen in a few years... and more importantly, i got to see my best friend. he's got a dope apartment in fort greene and since i've left, has gotten to be a rather trendy dresser. i'm crediting his girlfriend. they've shacked up and he's happier than i've ever seen him. did i mention he just got a job at the illustrious NYT?

so i left on an afternoon flight.... i missed the first one but still made my atlanta connection which made me thankful for long layovers. as the plane approached georgia, i contemplated how varied the terrain of this country is and how that may affect the people. georgia was so incredibly green that it appeared as if atlanta was a small hideaway city snuggled within a vast forest. the land was so lush loking that it seemed impossible to be miserable within it's confines. colorado was all snow capped mountain while arizona was barren mountains surrounded by canyons. i wondered why people would want to live in a state where nothing seemed to grow naturally. new york was all lights. they were so mesmerizuing i wondered how anyone could live anywhere else. weren't they drawn to the light? the mysticism of the city? i certainly had been...and still am to a great extent, yet it still isn't quite home.