The Dangerously Mediocre Life

i started writing again

2006-02-17T13:02:00.000-08:00

and words cant really express how good that feels. it's been 4 years of nothing and just like rain, the story just poured into me.

i also found out i didn't get a gig i wanted and after getting past the pride thing, i realized that every single time i've wanted a job and didnt get it- something better has come along not much long after... something much better. so not getting it is merely preparing me for the better thing coming. i feel very confident in that and it calms me when i'm feeling anxious abt the search.

i have another interview on monday.

i've started working towards several productions. i hope to incorporate both companies within the next month. one geared towards more commercial endeavors and the other geared towards the embodiment of my personal beliefs and goals of communal upliftment.

i woke up this morning and stared at this man lying next to me and i was certain. certain that every thing we've gone through together has been worth it because of these mornings. certain that our spirits were locked in this dance even when our phyiscal bodies weren't. just certain.

remember: "the buck fifty stops here?"

2005-12-28T00:06:00.000-08:00

the famous wamu slogan of old?

yes folks, it was bullshit. maybe in the back of our mind we knew it all along. a desperate attempt to attract us to the aggressive expansion of the now largest savings and loan company in the country. we actually believed that perhaps they would stand by saving consumers that oh-so-profitable surcharge (of course the full value of that profit can never really be know since banks won't list the surcharges as a seperate earnings line item). apparently the buck fifty doesn't stop anywhere anymore. now that it's growth has slowed and the numerous takeovers have simmered down, washington mutual has proved itself to be no better than any regular assed bank.

this morning i used the man's bank card to withdraw money to pay bills and was suprised with that little piece of information. what? no huge tv and print campaign? no slogan? how about: we're fucking you just like our competitors.

i came home pissed about relinquishing that cash. i feel duped. lied to. washington mutal did us dirty. it made us think it was better than other banks and it just wasn't. i should have known when they hit me with a $30 fee for being tless than $2.00 over my account limit. i saw the signs... i wanted to beleive them. maybe i'll just say fuck it and join a credit union next time.

children overwhelm me

2005-12-21T12:52:00.000-08:00

maybe it's b/c i spent my own childhood taking care of younger siblings. back then i could be home ALL day with them. feeding them. disciplining them. putting them to bed. as soon as i went away to college, i abandoned all of it. i felt free for the first time in my life. i was only responsible for me now. no worries abt sick siblings, lazy parents, cooking for families, cleaning after a horde of folks.

for the next two weeks, i'll have my niece and nephew. my sister and her husband asked if we could take care of them for their christmas break so they could avoid the incredible daycare costs. you see- they're moving to Vegas next year. funny right? when i was planning to move to Atlanta- my sister guilted me so horribly on the pretense that i was her only family in california. her kids afterall, needed family. do you think she bothered to consult me on the Vegas thing? do you think she cares that i'll now be without a single blood relative in the state? nope. ok... so i got a little distracted. the point is- they're saving and i'm not currently employed. so i talked to the man and we said yes.....

they've been here for 3 days now and i want badly to escape. i'm sick of runny noses, feeding 3 meals plus snacks, cleaning after them, making sure they shower, sending them to stand in corners, taking them everywhere i go no matter how minute the place. they're only 4 and 6 and not yet old enough to stay home alone. the man isn't' of much help. whenever we have them he seems to annoy me more than usual. in all fairness tho- he's been annoying. since i've been home i don't think he's cleaned a single thing in the house. he hasn't cooked either. essentially- i'm sick of it. it's what's desperately driving me to go back to work. i'm sick of the (since he' never admit it) unconscious idea that since i'm not working, my job it to take care of him. i'm sick of the expectation that he can leave a mess and i'll clean it b/c i hate seeing it. he doesn't care how the house looks. i'm extremely sensitve abt the house. a messy place makes me insane. it's slowly driving me mad and creating a great deal of annoyance and frustration on my end. more and more i just want not to be around him b/c he ignores my complaints and pleas for him to change his behavior......

ok, so i got off track again. let's just say having the kids here is the icing on the cake. i feel like such a rotten person for saying. i want my space back. i want to be home alone working on projects and applying for jobs. i don't want to keep children. they are simply incapable of listening to direction. perfect example: i say- go to the car. i follow outside and they are playing in the driveway. another: i say- kiara- run straight and grab sherman. she runs into a store and starts frantically looking around. i mean- what the HELL? how difficult is it to 'run straight'? anyways.... this is how ALL my interactions with them are. they simply seem incapable of listening and following direct action.

i'm incredibly agitated at the moment. i want everyone out of my place. i want to clean it from head to toe and get some work done. i have treatments that need a lot of work. i have scripts that need to be read and books too. he worst part of all this is that- it makes me question whether or not i want to be a mom and if i'd actually be good at it. i get so frustrated and annoyed by them. i feel like locking them in a soundproof room and pretending they're somewhere else. i've thought abt hiring a babysitter... i just feel overwhelmed. i don't know if i have the patience for this anymore.

movie hopping

2005-12-09T10:42:00.000-08:00

used to be one of my favorite past times. back home i'd pretty much perfected the art of seeing roughly 4 movies in one day for less than $6. most people worry that they'll get caught. there are two three things to know to know to avoid worry or being caught.

1. pick the right theater. some theaters have mechanisms set up to ensure you CANNOT hop. usually this is in the form of dividing the theaters by floor or section and having ticket stub takers man each section. this way there are probably only 3 films in each wing that either a. are not films you want to see or b. are timed so similarly that hopping is impossible.

2. it's ALL about timing. i find that moviefone.com is best used when planning a day of film jumping because they list the times and the length of the film on the same page. this way one can calculate what times their movies get out and the times others begin. then write up a schedule. ie. 11:30 Memoirs of a Geisha (2hr24min + 15 mins of previews ends @ 2:10) >>>>2:00 Rent (you can use the previews as pad to get to movies late- 2hr15mins +previews ends at 4:30)>>>> 4:50 Syriana. now the key is, figuring out which theater is playing which film at which time. luckily most films will list the times on a scrolling marquee above each door. when i arrive at the venue, i generally do a walk through and log which theaters i'll be hitting for which film. never wait for a movie for more than 20-30 min. this way- it's believable that you're there a little early.

3. bring your own food. you DO NOT want to keep hitting the snack bar for every film, allowing potentially the same staff people to get a look at you over and over.... but really tho- those folks aren't paid enough to care. that tidbit is to save you money and to keep you paranoia down.

now,, go in peace and happy movie hopping.

for colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf

2005-12-06T19:02:00.000-08:00

i first read that book in high school. my english teacher gave it to me b/c i was participating in something called "prize speaking" which was essentially a contest in which contestants acted out a piece of literature on stage. they were judged and he/she with eh highest score won money. i did a piece from lady in red. i placed second.

sunday i saw the show performed for at the AFIBA center in Los Angeles. i invited arielle to come with me b/c several months ago she mentioned to me she was interested in producing the play here in LA. the thing is- i remember not being able to connect with most of the characters back then. i thought them so incredibly jaded having endured such cruelty and pain. i imagined them to be the epitome of the "bitter black woman" the stories are so... *sigh* painful.

the thing is- i felt sad throughout the entire play. most of the poems selected and performed seemed to scathe me in some way. like- understanding and relating to them was only indicative of how much pain i've endured in my short life. when i couldn't relate all those years ago, i'd felt exempt. like i was never going to be labeled "bitter black woman"

but more and more- i resent it. i resent that black men, our men... can't see why we have attitudes. i resent feeling as if i have to apologize for being angry at all. i resent that we are treated as if our attitudes are unfounded or without cause. i listened to the play... and i related to what those women had gone through and i wanted to yell at every man who has ever strung the words 'bitter black woman' together in a sentence. i wanted to make them feel all the pain we have experienced at the hands of men- both black and white. i wanted to show them how much hurt we shoulder when our families are abandoned, when we are raped or molested, when our men cheat, when we are left raising children alone, when we are disrespected in the streets, when we are dogged b/c they lack the maturity to commit, when we are beaten or abused, when we are talked down to, when we are objectified, when we are treated as if we ain't shit, when are taken for granted, when our hearts are broken, when we are told that white women are better because (insert bullshit here), when we sacrifice our desires for theirs, when we give 100% and don't get reciprocity.

i get sick of them being dismissive of the shit we may be going through. shit, the stuff we HAVE gone through. i'm not saying our pain is a license for being a bitch but really- you try balancing the weigh of the world on your shoulders. try supporting families alone. try not being jaded after being hurt or betrayed time after time.... and you know- i carry a little guilt. i was that woman that sided with them. i was on some: i don't get why they are so bitter and angry... but you know what? i may be be that woman some day. maybe there's only so much hurt a woman can shoulder before she become that hurt. maybe there's only so many times she can allow her heart to be broken without expecting it to. maybe she's been there too many times to walk into anything with no baggage and insecurities. i'm starting to wonder- how many times can you be hurt before you become just another colored girl who has considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf?

in 11 days, i'll be 26 years old

2005-12-06T18:28:00.000-08:00

i hate birthdays. i've hated them since i was 12 and my mother announced that after 12- you were not having any more parties.... when i turned 12, she hosted my party at a skating rink. it was a good deal. for $20 your kid and 15 of his/her friends could skate for a few hrs. at a designated time, they'd make an annoncement that your party was celebrating and assign you a table where everyone with your party would come over sing happy birthday and indulge in whatever food/drinks your parents had provided. the thing is- i couldn't skate. it was my party and i was the only kid there who could not skate. when you're a kid, you're supposed to pick that stuff up right away... well, when you're any kid but me. i lack coordination and balance.... ask ANY of my yoga instrctors. i can strecth my way all over a mat but don't ask me to stand on one foot.... so yeah, i couldn't skate and no one wanted to help me learn. so i struggled on and off the floor. when it was time for "just the boys" to skate, i tried desperately to get off the floor to no avail. same with "couple's skate.." ahh well. i've since learned to roller skate. i'm not really good but i generally don't fall anymore.... but yeah, i'd say that was the beginning of the next bad years worth of birthdays.

there are several problems with my birthday. the first of which is- it falls a week before christmas. which means everyone is strapped for cash and they're trying to give me ONE gift for both. then, when i was younger, my fam used to give me money on my birthday. a fact my siblings counted on. i would generally use every penny buying them shit. oh, they took advantage of my giving nature and i pretty much grew to resent it. the last problem is the real issue i have these days- no matter how i try to enjoy it, i just can't. i'm always flooded with the memories of shitty birthdays.
being grounded by the former step-parent at 16 for some dmb shit wile my mom stood by and let it happen.
my parents bouncing to the carribean for vacation and not leaving a gift or calling (that happened twice).
the many years when my mom and fam have just forgotten it altogether.
the year my ex-boyfriend stood me up to my own party. i should have ended it then.
the year my best friend refused to come b/c he didn't want to be in a room to many of my sorors. as if it was actually about him.
the year another ex came for all of 10 mins before my party and dropped of a gift then abandoned me.
last year when my stubborn assed boyfriend refused to even say 'happy birthday' to me on the grounds that he doesn't celebrate... although he willingly excepts gifts for his.

yeah... birthdays have sucked. i've tried to do shit on my own to not make them suck so much but they do. to be painfully honest, i'll admit here and now why i'm always so upset about it. your birthday is the one day of the year where the people you care most about in the world are supposed to celebrate you. i've never felt that. not genuinely. ever. it's always like some terrible afterthought.... so what hurts is that- you want the people you care so deeply about to care that something is special to you. to cherish it just because it is important o you. and every year, i am consumately let down.... even if 15 distant friends call, if the main 5 people in my life don't act like they give a shit- i feel horrible. this year, i wanted not to celebrate at all. i wanted not to feel so incredibly sensitive about it. i wanted to just sleep in all day and pretend the day isn't happening. on some sleeping pill coma shit.... but here i am. considering doing something nice for myself. trying to prepare myself to be let down... again. and really- i dunno. i don't think my heart can take any disappointed expectations. i don't want to feel totally vulnerable and depressed b/c the people i want to care just.... don't.

so i have a dilemna. on one hand- i want to spend money on myself. i'm thinking mani-pedi. new shit from fredericks i had my eye on (can you believe it's been at least 3 yrs since i've bought any nice undergarments?), and maybe an outfit. on the other hand... i don't want to do anything for myself b/c in a way it will remind me of the way i generally feel about my life. at the end of the day- there's just me.

intuition

2005-09-01T19:02:00.000-07:00

is strong. i've been having feelings about my life that i'm afraid of vocalizing. they've been on my mind heavily and i feel like my instincts are right. it's like i'm about to enter a huge transitional phase in my life. one that will alter it more than any of my previous changes and adventures..... even if i sit still- it will come and engulf me. i don't have to run to it. everything in me says it's coming... i suppose the most obvious sign has been my deep feelings of wanderlust. i keep listening to this track from the ecleftic called "runaway." it features john forte and earth wind and fire. a dope track... really- wyclef is a seriously underrated musician. speaking of fugees members... if you haven't heard it yet- you MUST check for the latest John Legend remix of "so high" featuring lauryn hill. um... i haven't even critically listened to the song yet. i'm just so happy to hear her making non-crazy/depressing music again. FUCK that unplugged shit (i see you stacia). also on the playlist is "free" and "one is the magic #" from jill scott's live album.

some nights i have dreams about exploring the world alone. learning new languages. making new communities and familes. climbing the andes mountains or trees in the amazon. visiting the shores of ghana and learning how to weave and make fabric. in short... i feel like running away. the conflict is- i have obligations. i've committed to working on this production company with my homeboy from college. i can't throw my all into it right now b/c my soul becons from across the ocean. does that make sense? my urge to run is really strong right now. i feel like i'm almost self sabotaging myself so i can just go. i don't even want to tell anyone where i am other than a cryptic e-mail that i've left the country and i'm safe.... yeah um.

i'm trying to come down fromt his feeling... but i think it's happening b/c i've supressed it for years. i'm secretly hoping it takes me despite my resistance. no matter the the temporal hurt it may cause me.

the gods of googgle

2005-07-17T23:33:00.000-07:00

have shined their light upon me. this weekend i found the most amazing information about small businesses. i now have a template for a business plan and an abundance of resources at my fingertips to get started on something more concrete than the ideas in my head. on top of that, the man got me final draft (script writing software) and final cut (editing software). all i need now is a camera. that's another idea enirely... but i say that to say this... the resources are coming together. every week i meet someone who makes helps me put my various goals in perspective. this week it came by way of a soror the man met. he fixed some stuff on her computer and she and i hung out. she's a producer who also does real estate. i wasn't interested int he producing nearly as much as i was in the real estate hustle. she's got me seriously thinking abt enrolling in a class to get my license. mostly. i want to know how it all works so when i have money to invest, i know how to handle it.

the man also met this dope sister who is helping me get up on my ethiopian food game. she's lived all over including BOTh of our root cities. Utica, NY? what other person in california had been to utica? i got up with her and her fam today at the drum sessions in leimert. we're going to get together again later this week. it's funny... since i stepped out of my tv bubble, good people seem to be all around me. folks keep walking into my life with positive energy and ideas and it inspires me to be better. just their presence makes me wanna know and do more.

los angeles is starting to look better to me. i'm finding various communities and pockets of folks i can get down with. in the last three weeks i've gotten up with rastas, hebrew israelites, ethiopians and a bunch of other culturally minded folks. just today i spent some time talking with the sisters that come to the drumming on sundays. they were very beautiful women. community minded. i'm thinkng of doing a dinner party to get all these different folks together and see what happens. i think a lot of friendships or cool connections could be made. i have this idea and in my head, i see it's progression and growth b/c it's not about me. really, it's bigger than me. and it's coming. sooner than even i think.

the changes that come with personal evolution

2005-07-06T19:40:00.000-07:00

often pull at the very foundation of who we always thought we were. our friendships wear thin and expire. often they are discarded or die in the same way that plants do. not enough nurturing or care. too lazy to learn or adapt in order to keep them growing healthy and strong.

i'd accepted that long ago... with two exceptions. somehow i'd believed that my two best friends would be the exceptions to the general rule that's prevailed throughout my entire life. rule: no friendship lasts forever. we will change in unpredictable ways over the years and unless that person is changing likewise, it WILL end. i never begrudged the rule. it was natural. it was not set upon ill intent. it wasn't personal. it was just a simple part of life. an accepted fact. i knew that none of my friendships would last as long as my time on earth just as surely as i knew the sun would rise every day... yet somehow, i allowed myself the hope and the honest belief that these two would be different.

i've always been one to change and only my family bonds have withstood the test. mostly b/c the things that bind us are deeper than ideals or politics or shared poverty. bonds that were built over years of shared experiences. ones that have stood despite the many evolutions i've gone through. my family expects me to change. while they often think i'm strange, they adjust accordingly. friendships however, do not. i'm not sure what it is that allows friends to discard each other because of their changes... but it exists. it's the reason why while i'm reluctant to admit it, family bonds are stronger. they don't fray or go away simply b/c you've found religion or you're a black conservative or you've gained waight or had a child. they're meant to last in ways that friendships aren't. maybe it's b/c they're not built around *liking* a person. they're built around loving in spite of....

in the last few weeks i've come to the realization that mine are dying. i've tried to resusitate them. i've tried to nurture them. talk things out. build. understand. relate. be blatantly honest abt how i'm feeling. to my dismay, at least one of those relationships i'd thought to be indestructible is gone. maybe it's b/c i haven't been through these "rough patches" or phases where "we're not talking to each other" i've never been known to do that sort of thing. i try to work it out. i try to be a soldier. but once i see that my efforts are futile.... that i'm in this alone.... that i'm the only one invested in the relationship... i'm out. it's just that simple.

what's odd is that it hurts more than anything. it feels like the worst breakup of my life. i've cried about it. i've retraced my steps to figure out where i went wrong. when things started going awry, i tried harder. even though my calls were ignored, i kept calling. it's what i do. i work and work at something until i gain the resolve necessary to do what needs to be done. in the end, i don't want to ever feel as if i didn't try hard enough. after six years of friendship. sleepoveers. meals shared. psycho girlfriends. shoulders cried on. hurts confessed. shames shared. laughter in streets. money borrowed. painful honesty. b & n outings. walks through the city. people watching excursions. concerts. lunch dates. sex talks. loves lost. college graveyard shifts. dead end jobs. hope renewed. all night discussions. dsyfuntional family stories. happy moments. belligerent asshole scenes. new apartments. strange parties.

it seems as if i'm saying goodbye.

i really tried and to my dismay, after all that.... us, we, best friends.... we still weren't worth saving?

it breaks my heart.

goodbye.

personal evolution

2005-06-22T18:20:00.000-07:00

there has never been a time in my life when i fanasized about not working or being a kept woman. if nothing else, feminism seemed to be all that was anti-dependency. i recall proudly stating that i didn't need a man or anyone else for that matter. i looked at women who didn't work with barely concealed disdain....

as i've grown older, my perspective has evolved so greatly that i barely recognize the old me. last month i stopped working for the first time in my life. not since i was an uninhibited child still naive to the world, have i ever felt so free. i'm not joined to corporate america anymore. my life and goals and worth are no longer wrapped up in my title and salary. each day i wake up stress free and happy. i feel blessed for the opportunity. the journey to comfort in this place has allowed me to relinquish pride, learn to trust my life to another and be humble. for someone like me, being unemployed is not just a mere luxury, but a lesson. it is teaching me how to trust on a level i've never had to before. all in all, i love it.

currently, i'm working on business ideas that will allow me to never work for other people again. i have so many ideas in my head, it's hard to focus on just one but i'm trying. right now i'm trying to spec out a budget for the first one to be implemented. look for a website by summer end.

it's funny, i've gotten so sidetracked while writing this, i no longer have the enthusiasm to discuss the other things intended for this blog. one incredibly large sidnote: i have these two HUGE pimples on my right cheek. they're massive. because i tend NOT to suffer from any sort of facial/skin defect, this hurts me more than the average joe pimple face. i keep touching them, rubbing cotton balls full of astingent on them, hoping they'll go away. i'm incredibly sensitive to any sort of acne. i'm the type of girl that has been blessed to have near flawless skin 95% of the year so i have a hard time coping when i'm attacked.

so i'm starting martial arts classes next month. it's only $65/mo and it's taught by black folks. a woman approached me on sunda with a flyer. she sat down on the grass next to me to discss what i was crocheting and then talked about the classes. you can take up to 5 classes/week with that membership. no additional fees. this woman had an amazing body and she was pushing 50. she told me she'd started practicing at my age and was now a 6th degree black belt. i'm so excited abt doing something that allows me to workout and learn something at the same time. i'm also trying to get sherman to take a latin dance class with me. he's still protesting, but he'll come around.

so that's my new life. hustling to get my independent wealth building going and learning new stuff. i'm checking for a lot of summer classes at LA city college. the latin dance and i'm tinking of candlemaking, sewing and pottery. life is so amazing when you have these opportunities. each day, i'm grateful.

sometimes when you're hurting

2005-05-10T09:22:00.000-07:00

it's not good to talk... i'm going to try to not talk abt this for a few days. i need some time to quell the emotions in my stomach and to rationally think about why i'm upset. i'm not receptive in these times either. i'm too busy concentrating on my hurt. so yeah... i'll lick the wounds and get it together so my brain can process and think clearly.

even hours spent in the car

2005-05-09T10:05:00.000-07:00

have slowly become the bane of my existence. after weeks of fighting and arguing over the radio, the man and i came to a compromise. at even hours of the day, the radio belongs to him. odd hours are mine. since that time, he's revolutionized the way we listen to audio in the car. initially my car was equipped with a crappy radio with no tape deck or cd player to speak of. after several devices, we've evolved into using a wireless contraption that plugs into his ipod and uses the radio to transmit the output. in addition to that, he now has capabilities to put sound bites from movies on the ipod. my god... i dread his hours. in the last two days, i've been subjected to monologues and scene excerpts from "A Time to Kill", "The Ususal Suspects", "The Way of the Gun", "Made"... the list goes on. because we have this arrangement, i've vowed not to complain. instead, i'm trying to figure out how i can structure my only time in the car to be during my radio hours. this will involve way more planning and preparedness than i'm willing to give so i'll just settle for waiting another week until i'm unemployed and driving as little as possible during the off time.

mothers day was yesterday. i spoke to my mother, my sister and one auntie. today i'm still feeling the guilt of not talking to my paternal grandmother. truthfully, i haven't talked to her in at least a year and i don't really want to. my grandmother is the christian who originally converted my mom 25 years ago. i think i still have issues with her stemming from my freshman year of college. that was the year my father screwed me for the very last time. in hs we'd finally won a child support case against him. he was to pay me abt $350/mo until i was 18 or until i graduated from college. he called my dorm room and asked if he could send the money to me directly each month to assist with paying for my education. he even asked, what would be the most convenient time for me to receive it. i was confident that with a court order and his seemingly helpful disposition, i would have some help in the coming 4 years. so i bought books and things with the money that would be forthcoming any day now. and the check arrived as planned. after depositing the check, i received a very rude awakening... there was no money in the account from which the check was written. my bank charged my $30 for bouncing it. on top of that, i had other checks that would be cashed soon and no funds to cover it. i called my mom to ask for assistance covering my checks... i called randy, convinced that it was a mere error on his part. he seemed very upset about the mishap and resolved to simply western union the money to me the coming thursday. thursday came and went without a word form him. he didn't return my calls and soon, i couldn't get through to the number at all. i learned another lesson about trusting a person like my father. in the following months, i would relay this story to my sister who was living with our paternal grandmother in virginia. she would tell me how he repeatedly promised to help her get into school etc and renneged each time. i told my story... all of a sudden, my grandmother's voice booms over the phone to chastise us of speaking ill of him. huh? you've been eavesdropping on our call and have the NERVE to defend your shitty excuse of an offspring? yeah, she never sat right with me after that. i cannot understand how you can condone that behavior from you adult son. a son that has never been there for his own offspring a day in his life. i son that had to be taken to court to help support those offspring. i son who at 40 was still as selfish as a coddled little boy. i cannot get down. couple my feelings about that with her consistent record of silence when he does wrong and her christian zealotry, and you'll understand how difficult it is for me to call. i fear that one day she'll be dead and i'll regret never having spent the time to get to know her or to forgive her...

romanticizing anything is dangerous

2005-05-02T14:54:00.000-07:00

it's our minds version of denial. this weekend i felt as if i've romanticized my city to the point of being let down. it could be b/c i stayed in harlem... and harlem isnt' really my favorite neighborhood. it could be that i was running around on other people's schedule and didn't have time to cultivate that old loving feeling with my city.... but mostly i got the overwhelming idea that i'd glossed over my city's flaws like a spurned lover who refuses to let go. truth number one: harlem is dirty as shit. truth number two: while it's easier to get around- it takes a long fucking time. traffic in a city equipped with the best transportation system in the world still sucks. truth number three: my friends aren't pefect. i've romanticized them too. in my mind, they'd become flawless. they sit on a pedestal looking down their noses at californians...

home. when i left, i got the feeling that this isn't it. i haven't really found home yet. there are things i adore about nyc (finding a street vendor with natural shea butter, oil for my locs, and my favorite soap) ... but it's not where i'm going to spend the rest of my life. walking through fort greene, i contemplated it... but i didn't feel it. i still can't fathom paying $250K for a 2 bedroom condo in brooklyn. it always comes back to one simple truth. i haven't found home yet. although i'm from utica, ny... that's not home either. maybe my mind has adopted a unrealistic idea of what home is... maybe that's why i don't mind uprooting myself and trying a new city. sometimes i feel like a lost soul just wandering waiting to feel more. to feel connected to a place by more than a job.... i need to build a foundation that i feel rooted to.

besides those musings, the trip home was great. i spent the bulk of the time with my sorors. my line sisters and i celebrated our fourth delta anniversary.... a saw some folks i haven't seen in a few years... and more importantly, i got to see my best friend. he's got a dope apartment in fort greene and since i've left, has gotten to be a rather trendy dresser. i'm crediting his girlfriend. they've shacked up and he's happier than i've ever seen him. did i mention he just got a job at the illustrious NYT?

so i left on an afternoon flight.... i missed the first one but still made my atlanta connection which made me thankful for long layovers. as the plane approached georgia, i contemplated how varied the terrain of this country is and how that may affect the people. georgia was so incredibly green that it appeared as if atlanta was a small hideaway city snuggled within a vast forest. the land was so lush loking that it seemed impossible to be miserable within it's confines. colorado was all snow capped mountain while arizona was barren mountains surrounded by canyons. i wondered why people would want to live in a state where nothing seemed to grow naturally. new york was all lights. they were so mesmerizuing i wondered how anyone could live anywhere else. weren't they drawn to the light? the mysticism of the city? i certainly had been...and still am to a great extent, yet it still isn't quite home.

start spreading the news

2005-04-28T14:22:00.000-07:00

i'm leaving tomorrow actually.

thats right folks, i'm going home. just for a brief weekend but i can't wait. of course i'll be totally exhausted monday, but it will be WELL worth it. i've been incredibly homesick and my sorors have missed me too... enough to help finance my airline ticket. i LOVE those women and i can't wait to see them. i'm trrying to pack in seeing them and my best friend, getting a mani/pedi, running to BK for carols daughter and shea butter, hitting vp2 or red bamboo for a meal, seeing the girls probate.... yeah, it's a lot to do in less than 48 hours. not to worry, i'm taking my vitamins and a wheat grass shot and i'll be ready to go.

it's official. today is the last day that i EVER have to see my boss again. frankly, i'm ecstatic. she's made my life rather miserable and it's a great relief for that chapter to finally be closing. for the first time in my life, i'm actually lookng forward to being unemployed. i keep thinking about a home business that i could get going. i would love to work from my apartment and make my own schedule. i'm already envisioning what my days will be like. i could continute getting up at 8. head up the mountain for my 10 mile hike, come home, clean the house, shower, read a book, crochet make dinner... basically, i've got a ton of variations on that one fantasy.

there are a few other things i'd like to learn while not working- particularly, pottery. i've seen a classes offered at the community colleges but typically, they haven't been able to accomodate my work schedule. that's all changing now so i'd like to get enrolled in a class or two to learn new skills. about 2 weeks ago i stayed home sick and learned how to crochet to dull the boredom. after lots of practice, i finally got good enough to make a crown. while it's not my best work, i'm improving more each day and have since finished my second crown. once i get better and faster at this, i'm going to try more compliated patterns. it's difficult for me to follow patterns b/c they're written for right handed people.... but, i'm certain i can adapt accordingly.

i spent last weekend babysitting my niece and nephew. while we had a great time together, i was exhausted at the end of the day. COMPLETELY exhausted. so now when i think if children, i imagine the energy boost i'll need to raise them. i know i've got work to do on self before that happens.

in my unemployement time, i'm also going to take time to make my place more environmentaly friendly. we already recycle everything.... but i'm taking it a step further. i'm learning more about water and energy conservation. i've got a huge cloth bag for grocery shopping to avoid the plastic/paper bags. i've also started buying toilet paper made from recycled paper. next up is biodegradable, enviro-friendly laundry dtergent/dish liquids. sidenote: i love that my boss thinks she's an environmental zealot yet she smokes a pack a day and drives an suv.

so on a whimk, i just checked for a red eye going home this am. nothing. nada.... that i can afford anyways... i refuse to shell out another $100 to get home earlier.... although i'd love to.

Its been a loooong, long time coming

2005-03-28T17:41:00.000-08:00

but I knoooow a change is gonna come (c) Sam Cooke

It started out as a dull ache and within 2 hours, it had escalated to a full blown throb. Headaches for me are rather rare. I’m not sure if it’s the general pressure of the day, the fact that it’s Monday and I realized that the weekend is way too far away, or just the general miserable environment in this office that is causing it. My guess would be a little of all the above.

Friday made me official. My last day here is May 13, 005. That’s roughly six weeks away and I couldn’t be happier. This may possibly be the longest six weeks of my life. I feel like a child who has presents under the Christmas tree weeks in advance. It’s as if the yearning to get the gift before the holiday will surely kill you. I’m not sure when I reached the point of really hating to come in here. I have an idea though. I work with a really difficult woman. She’s a yeller and a curser and EXTREMELY specific about every minute detail. I’ve been yelled at for something as small as not 3-hole punching items for her as much as bigger things as not catching an error on a deal memo. Bottom line- we can’t work with each other. Up until last week, I’d thought that I’d have to stick it out for at least a year. She made that choice for me. She went to HR and basically complained. When I went in, I felt completely fed up, but still willing to try. After talking with the head of HR, I realized… I didn’t really want to try. I just didn’t want to quit. I’m not used to failure and I read personal failure in this. After some careful evaluation, I realized that I did fail although the fault was not entirely mine. We have extremely different working styles and I’m not into being berated over minutia. For her there is no real line. Everything is equally important so she can’t delineate what’s worth freaking out over. Any number of things is capable of ruining not only her day but anyone’s who is not exposed to her. The thing I realized is that I’m not nearly as “detail-oriented” as those people who are true to the definition. I miss things. As long as that happens, things will never work out for me here. I’ve finally accepted that and I feel much better now.

After this, I’m getting out of network television altogether. The man and I have been talking about the future and I realize, I don’t want to work these hours when I’m married with kids. Shit, I don’t’ want to work them now… and with any advancement, they’re certain to only get longer. If I were honest with myself, I’d probably admit that I’ve never loved tv. And if I were truly honest, I’d admit- career has NOTHING to do with my move here. When I had that initial LA euphoria, I was thinking about the weather. My mind was completely preoccupied with the thought of never trekking through another snowstorm. It wasn’t until I got home and had to explain the move to everyone that I added the career advancement part. Nothing confirms denial faster than sharing the illusion with others for validation.

For the first time, I can see myself abandoning this industry save the few freelance jobs or maybe a PBS special. I can actually envision myself in a much more fulfilling 9-5 that is stress free. Sometimes when we and everyone around us are work-a-holics, we tend to trick ourselves into thinking that it’s good for us. I’ve been doing that for far too long. Now, nothing is holding me here. I’m ready to move on.

This week I’ll start looking for jobs in Atlanta. Neither the man or I are fond of anything here except the weather. The people are flaky (granted we do live in Hollywood) and there is no sense of community, we have to drive virtually everywhere…I can’t even find an African store/market anywhere. That said, I’m sure it’s clear that I’m fed up. Who would have thought that I’d come to Cali to change so drastically?

Not I said the fly.

I’d like to curl up under my desk now. Sleep beckons to rescue me from my headache.
Good news: My family is coming to town on Wednesday. ALL of them: mom, sisters, brother and even my grandpa. They’re all coming out for my sister’s wedding this weekend. We’re all heading to Vegas this weekend for it. I’m really excited. Even though they’re seven years and 2 kids late, I’m really happy for them. My brother-in-law is the bestest. Sherman is cooking for them Wednesday. All the shit on his menu is stuff neither of us eats. That kind of sucks… They’re supposed to come to our place for lunch after the flight and to hang out. Since I’ll still be at work, he’ll be meeting them for the first time on his own. He is a braver man than I.

commitment

2005-02-14T15:57:00.000-08:00

Commitment gathers the many wandering fragments of energy that is our soul, concentrates the gathered energy, then focuses the bean on goals we set for ourselves.
It is part of the nature of human energy, after the exertion of such effective concentration, to relapse into the original, ineffectual state of dispersal. Where this happens, the normal state of a person’s life is the dispirited inertia of dispersal, punctured at intervals by bursts of committed action, spectacular revelations of the immense possibilities of committed work, but so brief that they confirm the dispiriting belief that the natural state of humanity is impotent torpor; they feed the crippling allusion the intelligent life of commitment can only be momentary revelation of transcendent beauty, a singular eruption of unworldly energy bursting briefly out of eternal lethargy.
If we wanted to reverse this unbalanced distribution of commitment and apathy, we would had to find ways of increasing the frequency with which committed consciousness wove its way into the drowsy fabric of daily existence. We would have to make the focused presence of committed thought a regular, routine part of the passage of our life. We would have to find ways of making a frame for our daily lives from the active expression of our commitment.-Ayi Kwei Armah

this passage has been playing on my mind as of late. i've been thinking about the changes i want to make to my life and the need to show unwavering commitment to those changes. that's a tough thing for most people. is there anything you do everyday that's not included in the basic funtions of life? most will say no.

last night i had some friends over and i gained a level of understanding that previously eluded me. most people don't know how to be commited to a goal that isn't individualistic. divorce rates are the proof of this. when did the world change so drastically that it became ok to be completely self-involved? caring about being happy all the time or feeling the euphoria of "first love" 15 years later is a near impossibility. last night i argued with a friend that being "in love" is simply a more complex form of infatuation. people who marry for love are bound to break-up. when i was 19, my second b/f asked me to marry him. it wasn't romantic b/c he wasn't a romantic man. i wasn't "in love" with him and told him so. his reply: why would i marry for love? in my culture (he was ghanian) we marry for practicality and to build a solid foundation. you choose a woman who can complement you well. my parent's were not in what you americans call "love" but they care deeply for one another and love each other in our way. they are a good match and have been together for nearly 40 years." at 19, i thought that foolish. i approached the idea of love from a very westernized ideal of marriage. over the years, i've come to see the wisdom in his statement. love isn't about flowers and candy and perpetual euphoria. it isn't violent or hurtful either. love is shared unwavering commitment to a cause greater than yourself. it's sharing the ideals for a future that goes beyond you or the unit. that's the kind of love i have now. thinking about it in contrast to what i'd previosly experienced is amazingly different. everything before this seems almost childish in the wants expressed by both myself and the other party. but it's not just my intimate relationships but my life's goals. the things i've always thought that i wanted... they all seem almost trivial. now i'm thinking- where do i go from here?

welcome back me

2005-01-12T18:58:00.000-08:00

i suck at blogging. i start and i'm all diligent... but then like a new years resolution, the zealousness slowly fades from memory.

so um... i got that job. i've been here since dec. 1 trying to get on the upside of the curve. pilot season is fast approaching and i'm ready to be inundated by a vast workload. things are coming together. i have benefits again, my own parking space, a great big salary increase, and a 15 min commute. really though- you can't beat that.

all is well on the home front too. we're getting it together. adopting new plans for new goals and working as a team. i do so enjoy doing stuff with him. working 60-hour weeks makes me value every moment we spend together.

so what's new? i'm forming my own production company with my homeboy terry from college. he's living in inglewood and we've been working away at an idea we want to pitch in the next few months. i'm getting my shit together. i see myself working for self sooner than i thought and it's scary and exciting all at once. what's weird is... i really like this job. it's a dope gig plus i wear jeans and sneakers almost everyday. lovely. i have a pa that does all the grunt work i hated but did when i was a pa. sometimes i feel sorry for her then i remembered the long hours i spent in front of a photocopier and the times i made coffee and sent faxes... it's a part of paying your dues.

my line sister is coming to town this weekend too. she's not just my ls, but my back. we even share the same last name. i love me some her. for serious, she's been one of my closest friends for the last 3 years and has helped me through some tough times.

this week i'm going to set some new goals for myself in writing. this is a "DO" year. i have a lot to do. i've been reading a lot more, learning new stuff and working on some personal changes. one big thing i'd like to change is the way i speak. i'm going to stop cursing. lately i've been thinking about the kind of parent i want to be. i'm not that person yet. i'm changing my attitudes too. i would like for my children not to involuntarily pick up some of the behaviors i have. so yeah, i'm getting my life right this year. change is coming.

waiting

2004-11-09T13:58:00.000-08:00

they called today.
the job i *really* want.
i could feel y nerves in my throat.
this is it, i thought.
they've finally made a decision.
i tried to brace myself
just in case she began her sentence with
"unfortunately..."
i summoned my cheery white girl working voice
and she said...
"hey tabitha. how's it going... yada, yada, yada
ellen would like to meet with you again tomorrow."
me: "that's great! what time?"
her: " i know i said we'd have a decision by now, but she wants to meet you again tomorrow at 11:30."
me: "ok, no problem"

we hang up.

thi s has been going on for weeks.
this will be my fourth interview.
can't they just hire me already?
tomorrow, i'm going to make it known.
i'm the best candidate for this job.
hire me.
now what time would you like me to be here tomorrow?

yeah... good things come to those who wait they say....
so yeah, i'm waiting.

lamentations

2004-11-05T08:31:00.000-08:00

it's funny how life works out. the idea that each small happening in your life can result in something much larger is astounding. not to you maybe... but i find myself in awe of life's little nuances.
example: i set my clock for 6:30 am.
i get up, do 20 min pilates, shower, make breakfast and get dressed.
as a result, i've been routinely late for work (still temping)
4 of the 5 days this week.
now, if this continues, i should expect to be let go.
after all, i'm sure someone is watching.
so if i *were* let go, that would be very bad.
there would be no income coming in to pay bills.
i'd have to make amends with the temp agency and regain their trust
then they'd probably punish me by not calling for work
after lots of suffering, i'd probably get more work...
but in effect, each lateness is a small action
that when coupled could get me fired.

things like this happen in our interpersonal relationships all the time.
with the ex, he put me last.
i was always on the bottom of the list of priorities.
he'd cancel and rain check our plans.
he'd treat me with indifference.
now one of these alone isn't enough to split people apart
but put them together and it becomes enough.
so we break and then what?
i chill for a bit.
during a rough family time, i make friends with this cat.
he calls to see how i'm doing
talks me through some things.
we get close.
a few months later.
i know i love him.
i move to LA, he follows.
timing is everything.
if each of those small things hadn't happened with my ex
i would have never been in this place with the man.
i wouldn't have shared my life with this person.
i wouldn't have had the chance to love him as much as i do.
to fight with him and be upset and grow from it.
so all life's small little events add up.
you feel me?
it's cyclic.
up then down.
so say i didn't shape up and lost this job
shit would be rough for a while
but eventually, good things would sprout back up.

so yeah, i'm not lamenting... but i have been thinking
last night i got a call from an old friend
we've known each other for years
and for a little more than a year, we'd been fuck buddies.
he goes back before my ex.
as a matter of fact, i cut him loose when we began seeing each other.
i haven't talked to him in abt 6 months when he was living in miami
he's back in new york now. thinking abt abandoning law
and getting into business.
me: hello
him: hey sexy
me: *shock*
me: yo, the apprentice is on, let me call u back in 20.
him: ok ma.

so yeah, i call back and get voicemail.
me: hey martin. i'm returning your call... but um, i live with my man.
don't call here talking bout hey sexy and don't leave me any crazy voicemails.
i'll cut you. call me back. ciao.

the phone rings 5 mins later. he's in total shock.
me? living with someone? love? whoa! he respects that.
we catch up. talk about our respective lives and families.
see martin wasn't just a fb, he was my homeboy.
we watched games together. cooked. loaned each other money.
he drove me around when i needed to get places.
he listened when i cried about my ex who didn't love me.
i listened when he talked about the woman who didn't love him.
so yeah, he's been my boy.

we're talking and then
he laments...
i've been thinking about you a lot lately.
i keep wondering why i didn't scoop you up.
we were good together.
you've been on my mind a lot...
and i can't figure out why we never made it official.
we dealt with each other longer than
we dealt with people we were in relationships with.
all that time and we never really got together...
i keep wondering why.

me: um...

him: it's cool. i know you're with ole boy. i respect that. i'm not trying to take you away from that... but if ya'll ever break up.... holla.

so then he keeps talking as if none of that was just said.
um....
yeah....
what is it with men?
first the ex... now a non-ex.

dot.DOT.dot.

2004-10-28T13:00:00.000-07:00

life has been going on as usually around these parts and yeah.... i'm not that interesting.

since the last update, i've still been looking for a gig and temping to supplement the income. last week i had THREE interviews. the tues. jawn was bogus. those ppl weren't really hiring. D suggested they weren't really hiring *me* b/c Koreans don't like black people. i don't think that's true. it seems that all the groups i've met here shares the belief that Koreans are racists... even the whites! some of my ex co-workers used to get pissed when shopping in their stores "they're acting as if i'm going to steal something." i laugh. try being BLACK.

one interview 2: i had one with the writer and producer of Soul Plane. he needed an assistant. the pay was shit but i thought i could learn abt producing my own projects. he has an office out o his guest house in hollywood that's kinda quiet and peaceful. not my ideal environment, but it was a potential job and i'm malleable. he totally didn't hire me... but then he said he'd keep an ear out for other potential jobs on my behalf. the thing is.. when ppl don't hire you, how come they think they can push you off on their other friends? if i'm not good enough for you, what makes you think your friend wants to pay me?

so yeah... interview 3 was at __________ i can't tell ya'll yet. i don't have it and i'm not trying to jinx it. i can say it's on one of the studio lots in an office i'd kill to get into... and really, it's the second best position i've interviewed for since being here. i want it so bad i can taste it. they interviewed me for a second and third time on tuesday and sent me to HR for a background check. i'm due to hear back either way by COB friday. wish me luck my people.

in other news: sherman hit a car. my sister called and was/is pissed at me. i felt guilty and then got over it. pretty soon, i'll be independent. completely.

what else, i had a brush with a near jealous rage. yeah.. it's weird. i can't explain it... i could but i won't. anyways, i didn't rage and all is well. it's like i've made peace with my trust. at the end of the day, i trust him completely.

i met sorors in the area... that's an entirely different posting. i'll be back.

i'm lazy... well not really

2004-10-11T15:20:00.000-07:00

usually when i'm at a computer, i have limited time. the library only gives an hour... and i need to be job hunting for the hour... sorry ya'll.

sean's in town and i'm so happy. we haven't done much... but laze around and explore melrose. we def need to hang out sans the man this week. i hate when i visit friends and their mates are with us evvery second... so i'm going to try not to be that friend. i know he came to visit me and i appreciate that... plus, by brought me a gallon of Dr. Bronners almond soap. that made my fucking weekend. i love that soap.

this week, i'm temping at a different Disney office. it's.... ok. rather quiet and boring, but i'm happy to be working.

did i tell you? i made my first non-internet friends in LA. i met them through my bestfriend's new g/f. anna and chris. a couple and former brooklynites. they live kind of close to us and were the first folks to hang out at our crib. it's nice. i think we may be starting to build a bit of a community. sherms may not agree b/c he's used to all black communities... but this is the begining. my boy jonny lives around the way too... so i'm going to try to start getting up with him more often. it's hard in this town.

this weekend, i've recommitted myself to being here and making things work out. i'm going to *really* get my hustle on. this is a tough town... and to be fair, all my NY jobs were kind of handed to me. now, i know whatever happens here is from sheer will and determination. i keep telling the man that one day we'll look back on the days when we entertained and all our guests sat on the floor and smile about the struggles. see, i was having one of those idealistic moments about struggle. what i'm trying to keep in mind is the impermanence of it all. it won't last. it can't. even now, in the midst of it, i'm learning to appreciate it. learning to understand that i'm evolving while in the struggle and that's good.

saturday we found this place in crenshaw that makes vegan chicken sandwiches for half the price of our normal place AND they taste better. we fell in love. nothing like food to brighten up a day.

can i just say, i love my boyfriend. for all of our disagreements and back and forth and ups and downs... i love him. he teaches me something every day and i appreciate that. he pushes my buttons in a way that makes me better even if i'm resenting him in the moment... and he looks out for me. i can't get any softer in this blog...

and like that it was gone

2004-09-30T19:17:00.000-07:00

a few days ago i had a job. my temp agency called alst thursday to place me at Disney for "a couple of weeks, possibly until the end of the year."

i reported to the new gig happy to be working... not especially enthused to be in the corp. legal dept... but happy to be getting paid, the opportunity to use the intranet to find a job, a chance to network with folks. it was apparent from day one (to me at least) that these ppl didn't need a temp. they didn't have a lot of work for me and i listened to audio books, cd's and read for a couple of hours. at first, i thought it was b/c my computer wasn't set up. the ppl at the temp agency told me i'd be doing data entry and working mostly with spreadsheets.

evidently, they really *didn't* have anything for me to do. i was let go on wednesday... so for a brief moment in time, i worked for Disney.

needless to say, i was depressed. mostly b/c i wouldn't be able to bring home any more of the free juice they kept in the kitchen. the man and i kind of got used to having drinks without buying them. i didn't know how to break the news...

so i just spit it out. there was a moment of silence for the approaching thirst... and then a pep talk. i didn't come out of the funk easily.

you see, i'd listened to an audio book from the ppl at fool.com for financial info and had worked out a plan (Disney time) to become credit card debt free in 10 months while saving and investing. ... for the first time in a *long* time, i felt hope that i'd lift myself from the financial abyss that is my life. with hard work and sacrifice, i could make it happen in less than a year.

now my assignment had been terminated and i my plan would be worthless.....

this morning i had a job interview at this place called workplace hollywood. they are a minority staffing and recruitment non-profit that places minorities in entertainment. funny enough, i'd been trying to get up with them since i got to LA and was never sucessful. today, i was going in there to interview for a receptionsit position at a non-profit. no, my lifelong dream isn't to be a receptionist.... but while my b/f will pay the bills while i'm unemployed, i cna't expect him to pay my debt. a girl has got to work.

hello.
firm handshake.
pleasure to meet you.
here's the latest resume.
i sit.
she reviews.
....
....

you're not a receptionist,
you're a production manager.
me *silence*
her: i don't mean to take you out of the running
but the job is at the dga and you'd be miserable
it seems you're already on a great path
and i don't think you should take these kinds of jobs
b/c they slow you down.
what's your day rate?

well... about $200

good. never work for less than that

i explain.
i'm from ny.
i'm having a hard time sustaining work.
i don't have a solid network here yet.

it's hard i know.
but once it starts to happen, you'll be okay.
people will keep calling you.
i'll be right back
i want to go make some calls
she takes my resume and heads to her office.
i wait for 5-10 mins.

she comes back.
i sent your resume to two places
they're both looking for coordinators.
they should be calling you next week to schedule interviews.
i thank her profusely.
she gives more advise.

don't settle.
if you can afford to pay the rent and eat
don't take a job like this.
it doesn't leave you any time
to find the job you should be doing
she tells me to keep looking.
i have all the qualifications.
she's very encouraging.
she suggests i contact one of her contacts.
she tells me verbatim how to do so.
i'm grateful.
then she introduces me to everyone in the office.
she wants them to be able to associate a name with a face
and to look out for jobs for me.
she's a former production person.
was in the industry for over 20 years
and finally left to relax a bit...
now she does staffing and recruitment for them
my thinking...
she's the best kind of contact to have.
a sista... who's job it is
is to find *you* a job.

i left her office feeling much better.
she gave me hope.

i'm ready to fight a little longer.
work a little harder.

more to come.
i'm going to vegas tomorrow care of my auntie
she turns 40 this weekend.
just me and my big sis.
the men and kids are staying home.

and i'm on sean countdown.
9 days

2004-09-23T13:35:00.000-07:00

the myth of struggle

we don't always stay positive
and it's not always okay

in fact, struggle HURTS.

struggle is to be respected.

it's not sexy. it's not fun... and frankly,

i'm sick of it.

i find myself spending 3-4 hrs a day
on the computer applying to jobs.
it's horribly dehumanizing
to constantly make an effort and never experiecne fruition.
i'm sick of being unemployed.
i'm sick of sinking into this abyss of debt and despair.
i'm sick of borrowing money to stay afloat.
i'm sick of telling ppl that i haven't found a job yet
i'm sick of ppl asking me if i'm trying hard enough

i applied for a job at a coffee house yesterday.
i'm registered with 3 temp agencies.
i went to 6 clothing stores yesterday looking for work.
none of them were hiring.

i feel like i need to focus on something else for a while
to get my mind off the black hole
that is my employment status
that's hard to do b/c
it seems as if every minute of the day
when you're not actively looking for a job,
you're wasting time.
i feel guilty when i try to do something else.

on top of that... there's the myth of struggle
to live up to.
if i just stay positive...
do you know how hard it is to stay positive?
how difficult it is to repeat to your friends and family
that you haven't found a job yet?
how hard it is to hold on to your original goal
when nothing seems to go right?
it's hard not to give up.
not to feel totally defeated.
not to cry for your utter failure
it's hard to believe in yourself....
and it's hard as shit to stay positive.

it's worse when you don't have a support system in place.
there are no cheerleaders who take you to lunch and calm you.
i'm alone here.
the b/f?
i'm sick of hearing the phrase
"i don't care"
sometimes i wonder why we bother.
i love him but,
there are so many parts of my life
that i don't feel like i can discuss with him
he has this way of totally making me feel unwelcome in his space
as if i don't belong and my concerns aren't important.
it's funny.
because you think being with someone means
having a shoulder to lean on?
i still don't have that shoulder.

god my posts are depressing.
i wish they weren't
i'm tired of being the depressing friend with no good news.
i've had so many of those friends in life.
i remember after months of listening to them...
how i started to want to avoid them
i didn't want to hear their chronic bad news.
i try my best not to do that to my friends.

speaking of friends...
gene has a new g/f
she's coming to LA soon and we're going to hang out.
i'm kinda excited about that.
he likes her a lot and she seems nice
at least from my limited e-mail conversations.
it's kind of weird meeting her for the first time without him.
but i'm game.
i'm so curious.
and she has this name that i really dig.

what else?
kita is pretty busy these days.
it's hard keeping up with her.
i feel like we're growing apart some.
i'm trying to fix that, but i'm not exactly sure how.

wannaknowsomethingelse?
there re several times throughout the day
when i have to stave off the thought
"i want to go back home and be with my friends"
"i miss my old life"
sometimesihaveahardtimeremembering
why i left ny in the first place.
somebody remind me.

there's the myth knawing at my heart again
POSITIVE.
you have to stay positive and diligent
in your efforts to accomplish your goals

yeah

yeah

struggle.

2004-09-10T15:41:00.000-07:00

today i found a very resourceful site.
in case i'm ever homeless... i know where to turn. this dude was a great help in my job hunt and an inspiration.

being unemployed is an emotional roller coaster. one day you're full of hope and promise and total resolve to pull yourself up by the bootstraps... the next day, you're totall depressed and hopeless.

maybe that's just me.
i'm not used to not working.
my adventures to cali have taught me so much about myself.
being unemployed teaches you quite a bit.
mostly it teaches you how to go without.
it also forces you to find cheaper ways of doing everything...
ie. i'm at the library using the free internet.
ie. do you know how long a bag of tater tots lasts?
for $3.49 you can eat for DAYS.

it's oddly demoralizing...

today. i'm not completely without hope.
that website listed lots of good leads and that cat sent me an underground
list of job openings in my field.
today, i'm grateful.
i'm going to spend the weekend teaching myself how to crochet
and writing cover letters for the 24 jobs i'm applying to on monday.
i'm walking into this library fully prepared next week.
i'm also going to see if any of the local boutiques near my apt are hiring.
i think i could do retail again so long as it's not at a large chain.
i don't want anyone there to expect anything from me.
basically, i want to show up, do my job
and not have to think about putting in extra effort.

on the bright side of life...
everyone i know seems to be thriving.
my line sisters have all found work and some are also finishing grad programs.
my friends are all working in professions the *want* to be in.
most everyone is happily coupled up
some of them are getting chances to travel.
neeki is actually going to school in LONDON for her PhD
and gene is dating!

it's weird how you can witness the happiness around other people and
simply... feel good.
just this beautiful warm feeling of promise.
especially after watching and being with those who have suffered.
it makes me incredibly happy to see dreams come to fruition
after so much struggle.

don't fret.

hope
springs
eternal

2004-09-09T15:44:00.000-07:00

i apologized to someone today.

up until recently, i hadn't kown that i'd hurt his feelings.
even though i ususally dislike people and don't care what they think,
i've made a decision to try.

i've been reading up on buddhism and the core concept is compassion.
so in the spirit of that, i'm going to work on it.
even when i get pissy and angry and hate everyone (see last entry)
i'm going to calm down and act rationally.
the rational thing was... be nice.
i added that to the list of my q4 goals.

what's poppin?
i'm *still* hunting for a job.
it's hard to get a non-industry joint too.
everyone thinks i'll leave as soon as i'm offered something else.
they have every right to think that.
i will
i want to make it in this industry.
damnnit.

i still need a job though...
i'm about to be an audience sitter in a minute.

2004-09-07T13:08:00.000-07:00

lonliness.

sometimes i miss being lonely.
when you're alone... you don't have to worry about other people.
you don't have to care what they think about you.

in the last few years, i've made the effort to do better with my life
in several ways.

i've adjusted my attitude to a major degree.
i've changed my eating patterns.
i've excersized more.
i've done more for people.
i've worked harder.
i've read more.
i've learned new things.
i've been more open to change.

sometimes it seems like the changes you make are never enough.
2 years ago my best friend referrred to me as "a belligerent asshole"
the beef: i was nasty to service people.
customer service people. store clerks. taxi drivers. waitresses. you name it.
now... in the time since that reality check, i've adjusted quite a bit.
i don't get loud.
i don't tell people off.
i don't berate them.
i make an effort to smile.

yet here i am.
new city. new boyfriend and new complaints.
his major complaint: my reactions to service people when i don't get what i want.
he hates that i occasionally rollmy eyes or sigh.
now, in all fairness, he didn't know me two years ago.
but right now, i'm not receptive.
i feel like i'm under attack.
like my character is constantly in question.
i feel as if he's being petty.
his words: "i don't like when you act like that because i see how they look at you. your attitude is not necessary. i don't want people associating me with you when you're acting like that. it's a reflection on me."

now most of the time. i don't say anything. i sigh and walk away.
he still thinks that is a major problem.
i think a sigh is minute.

frankly, i don't give a fuck what most people think about me.
a big part of changing my attitude in the first place was making myself give a fuck.

sometimes, i approach my general attitude with the mindset:
i'm a good person. a great friend. i got out of my way for people. i have gone into debt to help other people. i have sacrificed my own comfort and well being to do for others. i know at least a 50 people who will testify to that. what does it matter if i roll my eyes sometimes? i have a harsh manner. can you get fucking used to it? i'm a greater good type of person. if there is a bunch of fucking good, why must i always have to hear bad shit?

sometimes i don't care that i hurt your feelings. not the people i barely know. is that a fucking crime? must i be made to feel like i'm not shit because strangers don't love me? the people who matter most know my heart. they know my intentions.

i've been approaching this topic with various people.
my general attitude.
i'm not a first time likeable person.
most people won't like me the first time they meet me.
should i worry about that?
you'll probably think that i think i'm better than most.
i do.

do i have to change my mannerisms so you are comfortable?
or should i entertain your shallow encounters with me as the final judgement on who i am?
part of me wants to change.....
but not for the right reasons.
i don't care what strangers think of me.
i care what the people who love me think of me.
right now, that's not reason enough.
i have to keep searching.
i'm not in the mood to constantly placate soft skinned strangers.
it will change when people leave me the fuck alone.
god... isn't it enough that i'm not a belligerent fuck anymore?

i'm going to work that around in my mind some more......

um...
so i learned one lesson from my genetic sperm donor growing up.
trust people to be who they are.
i saw something this weekend in someone.
i know now.
it's sad.
i'm still a bit hurt about it.
but i was reminded of whay my deceased auntie used to tell me.
never depend on ANYONE for shit.
always do for self.
don't trust that anyone will support you.
trust yourself and your own abilities.

with that, i've decided to get a non-industry job.
the important thing now is to be working and taking care of my affairs.

2004-08-31T17:01:00.000-07:00

$6,399

six thousand, three hundred and ninety-nine dollars

the hospital called today.

apparently i don't qualify for medi-cal b/c i don't have children, i'm not pregnant and i wasn't battered when i needed to go to the hospital.

i still haven't gotten over it.

THIS is exactly why i didn't want to go to the hospital.
my mom convinced me to go with that... "your health is worth it" jawn....
even she gasped when i spat that number at her this morning.
how the fuck am i going to pay $6399 to a hospital?
next time if i get sick... just let me fucking die.
the healthcare system in this country is seriously fucked up.
i'm going into debt for hte sake of my health?
for ONE visit to a doctor?
for that amoutn of money, i feel as if something really should have been wrong with me.
something serious.
i think i'd almost feel better if i'd had a serious illness that was treated.

the woman had the nerve to ask me if i wanted to pay if all straight out....
um yeah, let me just holla at my check book.
so now i'm going to be looking into ways to reduce my bill or at least make payments on it....
can you believe this shit?
i'm so disappointed.
i should have kept my sick ass at home.
here i am reading books about getting out of debt and fixing my credit score
and i racked up over 6g's in debt in 5 hours.
when you think about it, i paying the hospital nearly $1200/hr.

this is so fucking depressing.
i need to find a new vocation or some shit.
i'm tired of feeling broke and like i'm sinking.
unemployment has a way of completely demoralizing you.
why didn't i go to school for nursing or some shit?
something that meant job stability?
i know i'll change my tune when things start to look up....
but right now....
i want to crawl into bed and cry.

2004-08-26T15:24:00.000-07:00

apparently people i know have been finding my blog....
i don't know how i feel about that.
how am i supposed to write freely with people reading it?
ok... jokes.

sherms says that i'm mean.
i see things (mostly unfortunate looking people)
and want to comment.
gene and i used to comment with such regularity that it never seemed wrong
all of a sudden, i find myself living with a buddhist
who dislikes my "evil" behavior.
it's not just him either.... other people think i'm mean.
secretly... i don't care.
i like being mean and bitchy and nasty.
i mean....
you're 250 pounds and you're wearing a thong bikini and i'm supposed to do what?
ugl... i mean unfortunate looking people are just too much
it's not just that they're ugl... unfortunate looking
it's usually something else that sets my mind to cut them down.
maybe i really am a catty bitch.
but i like it better in new york
i like to have frineds who will walk the streets and laugh at other people with me.
last night, i finally found that friend in koku
there was a woman with an afro... that wasn't quite right.
something about it was just wrong.
in the spirit of verbal restraint, i held my tongue.
once i went out with some sorors and talked about a group of people so badly, everyone thought i was some hell spawned bitch...
so i look at the offensive afro and then at koku.
people like me do this all the time.
it's code for: did you see that? and an invitation to bash the offensive image.
koku started in.
i was so happy
i think it's probably wrong to be hapy that other people talk badly of strangers.
but i was fucking relieved.
we bashed the afro by disguising our remarks as speculation for the cause of it's violently offputting stylings
sadly, the moment was more satisfying than krs-1 freesyling on stage for 30 mins....

i'm not a hip-hop head.... who am i fooling?
i don't know all the lyrics to tribe songs.
i don't know what year albums came out in.
i don't get why biggie was the greatest rapper of all time.
i just hang with the hip hop junkies.....
the musically pretentious
i'm one of the people jack black's character would have spit on in High Fidelity....
worse b/c i've perpretrated before....

in LA, hip-hop... especially underground hip-hop
belongs to the whites and asians.
they don't go out to dance.
they go out to stare at their favorite dj's and break dance.
to be honest, la's nightlife SUCKS.
last night i wanted to go home.
i thought about learning something completely new.... some skill i can transfer to another city.....
this morning, i came to my senses.

2004-08-25T13:53:00.000-07:00

the sickness has ended.

sadly, i still haven't had a bowel movement,
but i had my first night of peacful sleep last night.

those of you still tuning in after my last disgusting entry...
i thank you for your loyalty.
and i thank your strong stomachs.

so i'm on the job hunt... again.
i can't wait until i build a really strong rep as a freelancer....
then i won't need to interview
people will call and ask me to work with them.

the funny thing is,
during my last gig, i got 2 offers
but they needed me immediately.

shit.
i
hate
hunting
for
production
jobs.

maybe the next entry will be my resume....

2004-08-20T15:22:00.000-07:00

i've been sick for 3 days.

the man thinks it's the tumeric in the curry we've been eating all the time.
in the last 3 days, i've eaten half a cup of soup, a banana and 10 grapes (the last 2 today). i've vomited more times than i can count (just a rather nasty yellow liquid), i haven't had a single bowel movement. for over 24 hours, i had a burning fever that wouldn't break and my mouth seemed perpetually dry. i didn't have the energy to move. and i still have a small pain in the lower right portion of my abdomen. something tells me that whatever it is, it's prohibiting my bowel movement. i've tried salt water (vomited it) and senna tea. nothing. the pain has quelled a bit.... but i want it gone.

it's weird being sick around another person. growing up, my mom didn't do much coddling. i distinctly remember having a stomach virus, vomiting on my mother and being left alone to babysit my little sister..... since then, i haven't much liked being sick around people. i'd rather be alone than have anyone see me nearly helpless. i remember that incident so vividly. it hurt me.... it shaped how i viewed relying on other peopel to look after you....

honestly though. this man took care of me. on some held my head and pumped my stomach when i threw up. brought water to my bedside. rubbed my lower stomach. made sure i was okay. he stayed home all day as i drifted in and out of consciousness. and i felt really vulnerable. it's the kind of thing that i've done for a lot of people and never had it done for me.... never really expected it. i've never been involved with anyone like him... being taken care of is oddly humbling. it made me even more grateful to have him in my life.

so um... the job i *really* want... doesn't start until after Labor Day now. i'm not guaranteed anything but it feels good to know that they didn't leave me out of the loop for the second interview. when i called the interviewer yesterday and went to remind her of who i was, she told me that she remembered me very well and they had pushed back the start date and would not be doing second rounds until closer to that date. i want that job. more than i've wanted any job i've done before. *crosses fingers*

so um... i haven't talked to gene in like... a week or so. i was going to call him again... but i *hate* voicemail. i just despise always talking to an answering machine.... it's weird how i'm going through some sort of withdrawal. i used to talk to him everyday. he's my best friend. i really fucking miss him. lots. but i'm sick of leaving messages and never getting a returned phone call. rejection never did sit well with me.

good news sean is coming to visit! he'll be here the second week in october for a week. i'm *so* excited. sean is my original husband. he's the bestest. he gives the best hugs ever. he needs a break and i need some ny company. i miss home. i miss having good friends around me....

2004-08-04T16:26:00.000-07:00

today is the day.
my last one at the company.
it's been a fun 11 weeks but now i have to say goodbye.

what now? i'm unemployed.

to make matters worse, my cell was turned off...
AGAIN... just now.
i'm going to pay it in full this weekend.
i negotiated a fair percentage with the accountant here for work calls.
it's not enough to pay the bill entirely....
but it's enough to help cut it in half tomorrow.

truthfully, the overages are mostly my fault.
i talked to sherms for over 3000 minutes last month....
what kind of craziness is that?
granted, most of them fell under the free nights and weekends
but all u need is 2 two-hour phone calls during peak hours and your minutes are DONE.
thankfully, i won't be on my cell like that anymore.

if i'm extremely lucky,
no potential employers will try contacting me this evening.
i'm going to drive by the sprint store to check the hours.
i need to be there when they open the doors.
it will take another 2 hours to turn my joint on.

i live for the day when my bills are not a problem.
for serious, one day ya'll- i'm going to be totally out of debt.
not even a student loan over my head.

it's coming.

soon.

i can feel it.

what else?

the man cooked last night.
bbq tofu, coconut rice and fried platanos.
it was banging.

i want to hit hte beach this weekend.
i'm hoping for a 100 degree day.
if it's 100 near us, it will only be 80 at the beach
for some reason, it's never been very hot when i go.
hopefully, i can get some knee and elbow pads
and put my rollerblades on.

i'm *terrified* of falling
what ever happened to the fearlessness i had as a kid?
i didn't wait to be taught to ride a bike.
my friend monique was the first person with one and i hopped on when it was my turn.
i didn't even *consider* falling.
now it's all i can think about when those blades are on my feet.

also, i'm taking him up to my sister's place to meet the fam and babysit with me.
i think they'll all get along well.
rai talked to him qite a bit over the phone.
we'll be babysitting too so she and ken can go out together.

a movie or 2 is on my priority list this weekend.
i must be the only person in the country who hasn't seen spiderman2
and harry potter? i've been waiting to see it for so long...
i'm even considering going up to rai's place early to hit the $1.50 theater.
nothing like a cheap movie.
the only movie i'd pay full price for right now is riding giants.
tim tells me it's excellent.

you excercise maniacs out there will be glad to know...
i'm working out.
not maniacally like you folks...
but just getting some shit done.
i decided (in my head at least)
after i weigh myself this weekend
not to get on again until my birthday in december.
i'm not as obsessed with my actual weight
as i am with my waistline.
in the three weeks since i initially bought the tape measure,
i've lost 2 inches.
last night, i measured my thighs too.
the goal: totally flat stomach & smaller thighs.
after that, the goals will be more muscle defined....
next time i'm in new york, imma have at the very least,
the beginnings of a six-pack.
the strangest thing about excercise?
i don't really mind it... once i'm started.
usually, i have the hardest time just getting out of the house.
i'm working on it though.
for serious.
i want to find the same commitment i had when i ws in college.
every day i reminded myself i had to go to the gym
b/c i was entering corporate america where looks mattered.
i lost 35 lbs telling myself that.

now when i work out, i talk to my thighs.
i'm rather verbally abusive towards them.
i've made them the enemy.
not just b/c they're large.... but b/c they get lazy.
when i started doign the hollywood hills, the'd always complain.
so now i focus on walking faster up the hills and telling the legs to shut up
after about an hour upwards, they do.
then it stops hurting...
then i'm in this really peaceful place.
where i'm not thinking about anything at all...
then i leave that place when the city comes into view.
at night, it lights up below the hills
and from above, this get this amazing feeling
i'm going to run this place one day.

2004-08-02T16:24:00.000-07:00

so now wednesday is my last day here....

i'm starting to think they're going to round it off to a full week.
actually, i don't think that.
everyone else does.
i don't care either way.
i don't have a new job yet.
they know i'm looking
i just tell them i have an interview and i'll be late
they're so okay with that it's scary

i finally talked to my momma this weekend.
i told her
and the convesration went a little something like this
me: i have to go get sherman from the airport tonight
her: is he visiting?
me: no. he's here for good.
her: so are ya'll living together?
me: yeah.
her: i guess i have another child shacking up.
so what do my kids have against marriage?
me: name one that is good.
**crickets**
finally...
her: that's not the point. you make it good. set the example.
me: i don't think so. we seem to better at shacking.

the good thing about my momma is,
she's grown as a person a LOT since i left home.
i can talk to her about ANYTHING (save my stance on christianity)
and we'd be cool.
she hasn't passed any serious judgement on me in years.
truthfully, it went a LOT easier than i thought it would.
i mean, this woman knows about every man i've slept with.
she knows who broke my heart.
she knows the evil i wish upon people.
she knows what i'm afraid of.
and she knows what i'm made of.
i love her.

i find that it's much easier to make peace with your parents from a distance.
if she lived near me, i'd probably kill her.
we don't get along very well when we're in close proximity.
most of the time, it's my fault.
there's so much time has yet to heal.

this was a pretty big weekend.
friday i went out with a bunch of okaypees.
i met some of the cats from san diego
and don from the nati
tia and jasmine were in town too.
i get so excited whenever anyone from home is in town.
emil cut his hair.
i can't believe it.
emil with no facial hair and no fro?!
i *heart* him though.
always laid back and funny.
don is great too. he's very charismatic.

saturday.... well, u read about that.

sunday i took sherms to drea's art show.
he was kind of shy.
emil said i was a bad person b/c i didn't introduce him
for the record... i'm a social butterfly.
if i dont know you, i'll introduce myself.
i don't wait for introductions.
which means, i tend to not make them for others.
i'm clearly going to have to change that.

i was happy koku made an appearance b/c he livened up instantly.
he loves that woman.
actually, everyone probably loves that woman.
she's a great person and just all around loveable.
but for him, she's also familiar.
someone from home.
i am still hoping he doesn't have a really hard time adjusting.

oh, i almost forgot to tell u.
i woke this man up sunday morning to do pilates with me.
he *hates* pilates.
why?
that shit hurts.
he did it anyway.
then he said, lets go for a long walk.
of course, i'm always game to walk....
but this man walked me up the hollywood hills to damn near the pinnacle
over an hour straight up winding steep ass hills.
we just kept going up for as far as those roads would take us.
it was invigorating though.
my muscles feel grateful for the workout
but i can tell u that in some of those moments,
i wanted to kill him.
he has this thing about fixing my posture too.
at first i was annoyed...
but now i kind of appreciate it.
i'm always trying to work on that.
one of my greatest fears is having a hunchback.
i knew this woman from church growing up.
sister pickett.
she had the WORST hunchback ever
i used to have *really* bad posture.
my mom and sisters would always tell me to sit up
or else i'd end up like her.
TERROR
i think i picked it up when my breasts developed.
when i stand up properly,
i feel as if i'm trying to stick them out.
i mean.... they're kind of big.
i usually don't intentionally draw more attention to them....
i need to get over my complex.
if not for me, for the sake of my spine's future

um... my interview was this morning.
i thought it went really well.
i still need a job ya'll.
my resume is stellar.
holla if you know anoyone looking for a production coordinator.

2004-07-31T19:01:00.000-07:00

i'm being robbed..

slowly.

i realized it today.

my clothes keep turning up missing.

i finally caved and did laundry today
at the laundromat, i realized i didn't see my powder blue bra
i recall this bra specifically b/c i work out in it.
it smelled and needed to be washed.
but it wasn't in the pile.
then, when i got home, i realized i couldn't find my *favorite*
pair of jeans.
i checked all over.
i even when back to the laundromat .
they're mia.
shortly thereafter, i realized i couldn't find the pants i wore last night.
i mean, i was less than 12 hours later and they were straigh missing.
when you don't have shit (and i don't) it's hard to lose clothes.
there are no dressers.
they're either in the hamper or in the closet.
none of those items can be located.
i'm *very, very* upset about these developements.
after a through search of my vehicle and apartment
i realized....
i'm being robbed.
slowly.

i'm at work right now.....
obviously i'm not doing any work.
i don't feel like watching this movie right now.
i don't wanna write interview questions either.
i want to go to sleep.

i've been up since 6 am.
this wouldn't be so bad if i wasn't up last night until 2:30 am
i couldn't sleep.
anxiety made me it's captor early in the day.
i haven't eaten more than a bowl of apple jacks and a banana.
my stomach incessantly growls
i have no desire to quell the noise

tonight, i'm going to bed early.
seriously, my legs have that tired feeling.
it's the same feeling when my body thinks i'm getting it up too early.
it's that same feeling i get when someone wakes me up b4 i'm ready....
my legs kind of sink into whatever surface they're on (right now, this chair)
and start to feel as if they're a part of the chair.
it's like uber relaxation.
it's what would happen if i lost feeling in them.
at least that's the best way i know to describe the sensation.

i'm going to head to the airport in another 35 mins.

2004-07-30T13:20:00.000-07:00

so today isn't my last day.
apparently, tuesday is.
they asked me to stay and wrap this huge audio commentary
and another shoot i have on monday.

i kind of wish i had those days to relax
and get to know my new roommate.
work calls.

i did get a phone call for an interview with another company.
their website is really dope.
the best things about the job is:

1. it's a firm step in the direction i want to go in.
2. flexibility
3. staff job... so i'll have benefits again.
4. it's close to home.

i would like to get at least 2 more phone calls for work.
the best thing is when you have options on the table.
this time around, i'm raising the price of my services.

kim never showed up last night.
i thought she was hanging out with her man so i waited to call her
finally, at 1 am, i caved.
no answer.

this morning i call back and leave a nasty msg.
the least she could have done was call and say
i'm not coming over tonight tab.
at the very *least*
just so i know she's ok.

she finally called this afternoon.
sorry explanation.
ok, whatever.
i figured it's best to let it go.
people aren't going to be considerate
simply because i want them to.
no need to waste any more energy.

um... so drea's show is this weekend
and a ton of people are in town.
tia and jasmine get in this morning.
i heard emil is alread here.
why am i happy about seeing emil?
he was alawys good to me in dc.
he picked me up from the bus once in this big ass truck.
emil is about 5' 2"
but he's a really good person.
very laid back.
it's been a long time since we've talked.

there are other people i need to talk to too.
i haven't spoken to koku in a minute.
and kristen has been on my mind a lot.
tonight i may socialize.

laundry....
needs
to
be
DONE

tomorrow.

i'm going to try and get out of here early and do some of it.
at least the whites and darks...
i can do it all in 3 loads at a luandromat
i checked the 1 washer in my building yesterday
it's small.
too small.

2004-07-29T10:49:00.000-07:00

kim arrives today. she's flying in and renting a car...
which is good b/c i'll be running around looking for a new gig
and she'll want to do her own thing.
she doesn't know how to drive my car anyways.....
it will be nice to have a bit of company
but what i'm worried about is fucking up my routine.
before i go to work, i do 20 min pilates. i've been fairly consistent since moving.
when people are sleeping in my living room where my tv is,
i'm reluctant to do pilates b/c i hate waking them up.
so umm... i need to work this out.
a flat stomach is within reach.
i've been working on my workday snack intake too.
yesterday i had peanuts intstead of twix.
granted,
they were honey roasted peanuts....
but still.
my job keeps a steady supply of chocolate and sugar in the communal kitchen.
it gets hard.
funny how easy it is to give up meat and how hard it is to give up sugar.
that may be my new goal.... getting rid of refined sugar.
i need motivation.

2 days and i'll have an official roommate.
i haven't lived with anyone for more than 4 months
since freshman year of college.
remarkably, i'm not afraid.
anxious...nervous.... but i ain't never scurred.
he wants to get a blog together on some dharma and greg shit.
until he admits that he's dharma and i'm greg, i'm not doing it.

for the first time in 3 years, i have to get a house phone.
he refuses to get a cell. he needs a number.
on the bright side, it may be better for business.
people don't want to call my new york number to schedule a hair appointment.
i'm making up flyers this week to hand out.
i need a name for the business.
any suggestions ya'll? i have 24 hours.
this will be the weekend hustle.

a blog or 2 ago,
i mentioned that man known to some as my biological father.
after all the venting, i'd resolved that evening to call him and cut ties.
i forgot i'd deleted his number.
but... he paged me yesterday morning.
i waited until i got home to call back.
he said how he'd been tring to reach me.
i confrmed that i'd gotten all of his msgs.
after frivilous inquires about my life,
i blurted, i don't think we should talk anymore.
he said, ok.
then hung up.
he totally robbed me
of my holier than though rant about how i don't respect him.
that's an overstatement.
i don't rant when talking to him.
he's never been known for listening
or wanting to hear anything bad about himself.
this way, he goes to sleep at night with that, "i tried" in his head.
it's odd how most of my friends have the most shallow confused parents around.
for the most part they all have the same thing in common...
avoiding and denying any responsibility for their actions.
if nothing else,
i learned a lot from my parents about what type of person i *didn't* want to be
i spend my life constantly trying to do better.
for that, i am grateful.

my niece starts kindergarten next week.
i'm afraid for her teachers.
my niece has multiple personality disorder or something.
that's olnly partially true.
she has a tendency to throw these outrageous fits at school.
at first, i didn't beleive her teachers. she'd *never* tried that shit at home.
the other week though, i told her to come in the house b/c she didn't know how to play fairly.
when i say she acted a fucking fool, i'm being kind.
in all my years dealing with children.... i have *NEVER* seen an shit like that.
not even from white kids!
she screamed for like 20 mins straight.
she kicked at me.
kicked walls.
got totally fanatical.
i wished i'd videotaped it.
instead of beating the fuck out of her, i calmly picked her up by her clothing,
carried her to her room
and THREW her on the bed and closed the door.
i tried to call her parents before that and she got LOUDER.
my sister says i should have beat her ass.
she only tried that with ppl she know won't hit her.
i don't know how true that is.... i've been watching them since i've been in cali and she never did that.
she lived with my mom and went to school in new york and never did that either.
i was so angry in that moment, i thought it better not to get violent.
afterwards, i was surprised at how calm i remianed in the moment.
i tell you this,
it scared the shit out of me.
*rubs bc patch lovingly*

tomorrow is my last day at this company... i think.
i like it here... and it's close to home.
it it my sincerest hope that the next gig is no more than 30 mins away from the crib.
i detest long commutes.

2004-07-27T13:00:00.000-07:00

today is a better day.

last night i got home and fanatically cleaned my kitchen. washing everything in sight has a remarkably calming effect on me. i started the night by venting to gene who subsequently fell asleep on the phone with me. i took that as a sign that none of yesterdays beef was worth my energy. when i was done with the kitchen, i lit lots of candles and incense and listened to "everyday enlightenment"

i ran my hustleflower ideas past stacia yesterday and she encouraged me to go for it. when i talked to gene, he made some grunting noise that told me he didn't think it was such a good idea. this morning sherman pretty much axed that idea. he's saying we can talk about it more when we both have time but nah, i'mma keep my ass in corporate america for a while. he's not feeling my sudden departure at all. this morning i told that to stacia and she pretty much agreed with him. i thought she was on my side?! she wasn't really... she was encouraging it to live vicariously through me. her *real* opinion: i'm already on a good path, i have to stick to it. sherman was the first person to actually say so: if you want to take this business over, do that. stop trying to be some boho queen and do what you came out there to do."

point taken.

i sent a few e-mails to folks letting them know that i'm free for other projects begining on monday. michael and i are supposed to talk tonight about coming aboard one of his projects. honestly, i really dig working with him. i just like his style and we work incredibly well together.... so i'm going to do both. i'll stick with this industry job and do my other shit after hours and on weekends.... at least for now.

the next project, i'm upping my rate. for the kind of hours i put in around here, i need to be making more. much more...

i need to do laundry. i haven't done any since moving into the new place nearly a month ago. i'm on my last pair of underwear. it's serious. there is NOTHING like being able to do laundry in house. when i lived in a house, i used to wash small loads every week. right now, almost everything i owne needs to see some Tide. tonight imma go to walmart and get quarters. it's serious ya'll. i may just hit a laundromat to do it all in one sitting. if i'd known my auntie had a washer/dryer, i damn sure would have brought my dirty clothes.

real food. i need to get back to eating it. last night i had a bowl of cherrios and sliced watermelon. that was dinner yall. and it's not like there's not food in there.... i just haven't cooked it. rai bought me a knife set and cooking utensils this weekend so i no longer have an excuse. today i've had a bowl of cheerios, a banana and i'm munchin on more of that watermelon.... tonight, i'm at least gonna make a veggie burger or some broccoli.... this rabbit shit has got to stop.

4 more days.

2004-07-26T16:18:00.000-07:00

my attitude sucks....

i'm sitting here at work in the shittiest mood. i don't know what happened. when i walked out of my house, i was feeling pretty bright. i think it's *her.* i dislike her in the same exact way i disliked my old supervisor at hbo. middle aged white women who have children far too young to be theirs and bad insecurity complexes. i just despise being micromanaged. i hate people who perpetually cc others on shit they send me. and i especially abhor repetetive speech.

now i can see why sherman gets annoyed with me about shit. if you asked me to do it and i said i'll do it, i'll fucking do it. don't tell me 3 more times and send me an e-mail in the span of 2 hours. that shit works my fucking nerves. i think i owe that man an apology. in my brain i'm trying to justify it like... well if u don't stay on his ass, nothing gets done. that's not entirely true. nothing gets done on my schedule and that's not fair. i think i'll apologize. if he's half as annoyed with me that i am with her... he deserves it.

so i'm thinking, immabout to get my hustleflower on. this weekend i went to vegas to see fam and friends that live in and were visiting sin city. i stayed at my (paternal) auntie's place and we had long discussions about being in business for ourselves. it got me thinking... da fuck am i doing working for other people? i don't belong. sometimes when i'm working with people i truly like and enjoy, i get fooled into thinking that maybe this is my calling. i get a rush from being the best.... but i dunno. while in town, i also saw my paternal uncle who reminded me that our fam was full of truculent people and if possible, we should work for ourselves. we don't really *like* people. not the browns. we don't take direction well at all.....

so now i'm thinking, imma just stay here and do hur. seriously folks. i can twist the shit out of some hair, i can treat it and loc it and make sure your natural hair grows. so now, i'm thinking... maybe i'll do hair from the house. i can pay my bills on 10 appointments/week and have more free time to do shit that *i* want to do. we all know black women spend more money than any other race on their hair. i need to be making some of that money. so the work's not challenging... who says it has to be? with the extra free time i'll have, i can do something else that challenges. werd... hair it is. imma have some cards and flyers made up and pass those joints out at the crenshaw mall. take a little trip to inglewood too. imma be the high priestess of this boho shit.

lemme go back to vegas. so i stayed with my 2 aunties (she has a partner) and i loved the guest room. they just bought a house and i was totally digging it. 4 bedrooms, 2 1/2 baths, living room, dining, family, laundry, lots of closets, inground pool and large yard. i *so* need a house. they were having it painted while i was there and the mexican cat they hired showed up with his 4 kids and wife. his kids took over the tv. he had us moving shit to lay the baby on the couch.... it was a mess. anyways, i really dig my auntie's partner. she's so sweet and friendly. apparently, she's going to meet my grandmother for the first time in october. i'd love to be a fly on the wall for that. my grandma, the uber christian has never met her daughter's partner of 6 years.... that's going to be an EXPERIENCE.

saturday night, i picked up my little sis and we went to see my (maternal) uncle John and aunt Cheri for dinner. they seem to be doing much much better. i haven't seen them since my cousin's funeral last october. while you can tell they're still kind of sad, it's good they haven't lost their sense of humor. i have this really weird connection with my uncle. i guess it's what some people feel for their fathers. when i walk into the room, i want to be under him. he always has the most secure embrace. that's the closest i've ever come to feeling a fatherly connection with anyone. i just love him to death. he talked about me for not eating meat anymore or drinking or smoking.... lol. "what is california doing to you?" cheri is such a nuturer. i don't think he'd survive without her. she just can't seem to sit down. i don't remember her being like that when i was younger...

so um... i'm mad at my line sisters. after dinner with fam on saturday, i go back to their hotel at on the strip to see them and hang out. they are all heading out so some club so i hang with my prophyte rose and catch up. then i see them later and everyone is still going somewhere else and asks when i'm leaving.... i tell thenm i'm thinking about getting on the road early that morning at like 5 or 6 to beat the traffic. shock, awe and total dismay ensues. i get guilted. "we hardly spent any time with you." "don't go yet" "stay on sunday" "aren't we worth 7 hours in traffic?" i cave.

do you know my phone didn't ring ONCE on sunday? i called them several times to see what the deal was. finally kita calls me back to inform me they're going to a convention activity and won't get to see me. i'm pissed but i let it go b/c i was spending the day with my little sis and didn't want to ruin it. can i just say for the record that i'm incredibly hurt. like *totally.* i'm trying to work this out in the next few days b/c if i don't, i can forsee straight cutting mofo's off. that's how i operate. you really hurt my feelings and i bounce. the thing is... i came to vegas to see them. especially them. i'd seen my lil sis a few months ago when she crossed. and the wack shit is: this happened when i went to that too. a bunch of them said they were coming into town to hang and be there for the weekend and they wimped out at the last minute. i did *not* appreciate it, but i let it go. all i can say now is, i'm done. i'm not making an effort to see anyone anymore. i'm just tired of flaky shit.

my mood really does suck. i'm not good at hiding my emotions. *everyone* here knows i'm in a bad mood today. they keep asking what's wrong. i want to scream: leave me the fuck alone. i think i'm dwelling. i *have* to let go.

my autie called me this morning and the following conversation followed:

me: hello?
her: he tab. your grandmother called while you were here and wanted me to telll you that your dad's wife passed. i didn't want to ruin your trip so i waited until you got home.
me: who? sylvia?
her: yeah
me: when?
her: july 12th
me: so how'd they find out?
her: well someone your dad knew saw him and offered his condolences.
me: ok. bye.

did i mention that my auntie also told me while i was in town: your dad wants you to call him. i replied with a simple: i don't think so.

i mean, WTF?

i have ZERO respect for this man. i was tempted to blow up on her for even coming at me with that but i caught myself. this ain't got nothiing to do with her. i mean... they ain't even married. he "married" her under false pretenses. he's *still* not divorced from his first wife. she moved out over a year ago and never came back. he had a baby with some other chick while she was dying of cancer. fuck him. werd up. i can't deal with the bullshit. it's a total waste of my time. why should i deal with a man whose name i can't stand the sound of? father? i have no father.

part of me wants to call her family and apologize for not telling them what kind of man he was when i met them. part of me feels as if my family owes them something for making that last few precious moments of her life miserable.

......

......

yeah, imma go home in an hour and work on all this.

2004-07-22T10:42:00.000-07:00

sometimes i plunge into the depths of lonliness.

not becuase i'm really all *that* lonely but because i really miss mi familia..

gene... where are you?
kita, come see me!
sean... i need a hug.
joli, let's meet in the park.

mi familia es mi amigos.

see?

i love them. not a casual like. but genuine heartfelt. soul pounding. intense love.

i'm feeling especially nostalgic this morning. my line sister called me from the airport this morning
tabora: gues who's on the plane with us?!!
me: i dunno
her: your little sister!! we're all on the same flight to vegas. she's here with her sands.
me: that's great *suddenly feeling very low for not being a part of it all*

once, i tried to talk to sherms about this but he totally can't relate. he sees his friends like once or twice a year. i'm used to seeing mine all the time. i miss them horribly. i feel like carrie in the last season of sex and the city when she goes to Paris and doens't have her friends around.

i don't even want to build with people here. i don't know where to find people like me. i don't even know how i'd describe me. i want *my* friends.

one of these days.... i'll be able to afford a place on both coasts.

in other news... i'm going to VEGAS baby!!!
i'm meeting up with my sister, sorors and fam for the weekend.
kim's plane arrives late tonight and as soon as she gets in, we're heading to my rai's place to sleep and drive from there in the morning. my brother-in-law will give us great directions. i'm all set to go too. i had my oil changed yesterday. this morning, i packed. all that's left is getting my apartment cleaned up so i can come home to a clean place.

9 more days.

blogger sucks

2004-07-19T13:12:00.000-07:00

it deleted my friday post without ever having published it....

so i'll just tell you that i worked saturday and sunday. i had a major shoot at a sound stage downtown. small crew and a LOT of work. actors, makeup, costumes, catering, wall building, prop moving, payment making, time watching.... and it still turned out really well. i came in with only 1 hour overtime at the stage and under in catering and incidentals so essentially, i rocked it. after the shoot, 3 of the people i worked with asked for my information to bring me in on other shows. this cat wants me to work this show he does for E! (i'm still kind of salty with them b/c their HR person made it seem as if i wasn't qualified to do this job. HA! i was made to lead men.) one of the actors told me he thinks "dreads are so sexy" then proceeded to wink at me several times throughout the day and asked to call me.... for work, yes. do call me. for play, i'm not interested.

i'm going to vegas in friday. initially i said i'd go b/c i won't make it to nyc for kita's birthday.... then i realized that i was broke and i would be better served by saving my money. finally kim made up my mind for me by asking if she could crash at my place after the delta convention. she's going to fly into la this week and we're driving to vegas on thurs. night/fri. morning. i'm staying the weekend and she's staying the full 5 days and taking a bus back.

sherms finally bought his ticket. i still can't believe that. so he'll be here in 12 days. i keep wondering what its like to live in close quaters with someone. i'm a little nervous but i feel like it will work itself out. he's going to be in serious culture shock. i imagine that he'll want to move out of la after the lease is up. the smog will kill him.

today i woke up in such a good mood. i washed the windows and screen in my bedroom, aired out the sheets. cleaned a bit and took a long shower. things are good in my life. even when i'm struggling.... i have $5 until payday and i'm happy. ecstatic even. the sun is shinig bright, bright bright.... and life is fine.

on: cultivaing working relationships. i have to always be mindful of this. when people approach me about working other shows, i need to follow up with them and be more attentive. i'm gonna run this town one day. no one knows that yet... but i am.

this morning i woke up feelin brand new

2004-07-12T10:01:00.000-07:00

i jumped up feeling my highs/and my lows/ and my goals/ in my soul (c) Talib

sometimes getting up is motivation. just waking up to something good and happy can make all the difference in how your day goes. good an happy can be whatever you make it. it can be the song that went off as an alarm or a refreshing phone call. it can be the way the sunlight enters your room or the satisfaction from a nigh of tranquil sleep.

there are no stars in LA. that always makes me sad. i went to my sister's place in Lancaster for the weekend and that's always the first thing i notice. no matter how many times i drive there, i'm shocked by the realization of the absense of clear skies in LA. my sister stayys about 90 mins north and the difference is astounding. when you walk outside at night her skies are a rich blue and filled with specks of bright white. in LA, the skies are nearly black in the evening and i can count the stars on one hand. driving out of LA is incredibly humbling and peaceful. you are surrounded by mountain on all sides and the earth is lighted by the the many stars above. i alwas feel an intense awareness of my smallness.

i had my first colonic on saturday. my sister and i went to a place in santa clarita.... and yeah, it was interesting. the woman who performed it was rather comforting. we talked about vegetarianism and she recommended a few products to try. i mean... this woman has a real skill. she's talking to you and making you feel comfrtable as she adjusts this tube in your ass. there are so many toxins and parasites in the colon. it helps to have it cleaned out regularly.... i should stop right now before i start grossing folks out.

there was beef this weekend too. my sister and her mother-in-law got into it. the short version? liz (mother-in-law) promised 2 of the kids they could stay at her house for the weekend. she decided that she would rotate her time with them b/ce 4 of them were too much for her to handle at once. on friday my brother-in-law calls to find out when she's coming to get them and she totally renegs. he's pissed. she comes sunday to pick-up kiarra only. i'm babysitting while the parents are at the gym and i tell her she has to wait until the get home before taking her. poor christohper keeps asking why he can't come. after all, she promised that she'd take both of them. a few mins later... ken and raicine (my sis) get home and i go outside to tell them what's going on. they are both pissed before they get int he door. liz starts acting as if she's doing them a favor. ken is telling her she's not taking anyone and then rai goes off. she tells liz to get the fuck out of her house. actually, she referred to liz as a fat bitch.... and then liz wanted to fight. ken and i break it up and he starts pushing liz and her 13 year old, ashley, out of the house. liz punches him in the jaw. she leaves and rai and ken start fighting b/c she overreated. i grab the kids and we bounce for a few hours. i come back and play doctor phil for a couple of hours. i go home and all is peaceful again..... yeah, that was the short version.

so my sunday was shot. i mean, i did take my niece and 3 nephews for icecream and to the park but i didn't get my oil changed and i didn't see any movies... on top of that, i lost my earring. i love that set of earrings and now i only have one left... da fuck am i going to do with one earring?!

on: the title

2004-07-09T11:22:00.000-07:00

this morning i was told that the title isn't an actual reflections of who i am. let me explain. being mediocre is my fear in life. perhaps my biggest. i live everyday wondering if tomorrow i'll be terribly boring and realize that i've wasted a great deal of my life being sub-par. mediocrity is the nemesis to my alter-ego. my mind is perpetually contemplating whether or not i'm dangerously close to being mediocre. i wonder if i'm boring and average. so the title is an accurate reflection of my fear in action.

last night i got a ticket. actually, i got 2 tickets... for the same thing. the first time, i was pulled over on my way to a club. my registration had expired and i don't have plates on my front bumper. the registration is my fault. it expired before i got a job and i've been forgetting. i take full responsibility for it.... but no plates on the front bumper?! there is nowhere to put a plate. my bumper is not equipped with holes to hold a plate. the cop informs me that i'd have to have holes drilled into the front of my bumper to secure the plate. da fuck?! so i finally get to the club and park on the street. when i come out i have ANOTHER ticket for the registration and this time, there is a $25 fine on it. the ticket the cop gave me had no fines. it was a fix-it ticket. can you believe that?

tomorrow i'm going for my first colonic with my sister. i'm probably more excited than i should be.... in my head: YAY!!!!!! colon irrigation! i'm getting rid of toxins!!!

i should really get back to work....

it's happening

2004-07-08T18:56:00.000-07:00

it's been nearly 2 years since i've last written anything publicly. stacia has been pressuring me to get back into it and i've resisted until now. don't ask me why (you'll find that i'll be telling you i don't know quite often) but i am back.

now i have all the typical blog anxieties... is it spelled right? i know gene will read from time to time and god knows, i don't want to malaprop any words.

it is funny? if i were being realistic, i'd understand that it will never be funny. i am not, nor have i ever been, a funny woman. on the rare occasions that i've made a joke that others laugh at, the intensity of my pride in that moment in and of itself is an indicator of my typical bland musings

why would anyone care to read this? i dunno. pity? i already said i wasn't funny. you know who *is* funny? david sedaris. he's fucking hilarious. i so need to get his new book. i read me talk pretty one day on the airplane to jamaica last year and i laughed so hard that several people went to purchase the book.

how do i figure out this new blogger website? i dunno? trial and error? i used to know how to bold or italicize things here.... what happened?

will people get angry if i write about them on here? i've outgrown caring.

so some history. i used to live in ny and work at hbo. in january, i came to cali for a week to visit my sister and interview for a job here. it was freezing in ny and i'd been considering a move. of course, i didn't think i had the balls to really do it in less than a year.... but as my plane landed in LAX, in this beautiful epiphany, i realized that this was it. i was *supposed* to be in LA.

mentally, it was perfect timing. i was fed-up with my job. hbo has this method of only promoting people who have proved their loyalty by wasting their youth in dead-end thankless company jobs. i'm certain they have a 5 year minimum for promotions. i was just sick of brian in sports production asking me if i was still waiting for someone to die or retire. i was sick of the people in my office treating me as if i was incapable of being more than a glorified assistant. i was tired of my supervisor micromanaging me to validate herself. this rant may lead you to believe that i hated that company and that's not true at all. i hated my situation in the company. the company itself is great and therein lies the major problem. no one leaves! it's just that great. people have to die, retire or be fired to get out. that's why you have people working there for 15 years before becoming senior producers. i had some of the best experiences of my life through people who worked there... lawd they had perks!

so back to my mentality.... i had been away from my ex for quite some time and it seemed like he was still making himself a part of my life. he'd been calling me more then than when we were dating. never saying anything new or making any changes i was aware of and i needed to be further away. i have the friendly break-up complex. i feel like all my break-ups need to be amicable splits or i've somehow failed at being the bigger person.... you'll find that i have a "bigger person" complex too. so for that reason, i never had the heart to tell him to fuck-off. to me, that was just being mean and there was no justifiable reason to do that.....

what else? i was just feeling drained by my huge collective of friends and family and i knew it was time to do something with solely myself in mind. in almost all of my relationships, i'm the "strong one." i'm the person people call when they have a problem and no solution. i'm the person people call to bare their souls to. i never begrudge them this. i embrace it. i know that i'll play that role for the rest of my life and its necessary so i don't resent them.... but sometimes, i have to rescue myself. sometimes people take so much of your energy that they can't see you're drowning.... and i was drowning in new york.

it was winter. i know , i know. i'm from upstate new york. i should be used to the cold.... i'm not. i will NEVER be used to the cold. even here in california, i have a space heater under my desk b/c of the intensity o f the A/C in this office.... i was suffering from seasonal depression. after mid-october, i didn't want to leave my house. i couldn't take it any longer.

so.... california vacation. i got my permit while i was in town b/c i'd made up my mind to move by march 1st. i stayed a few days with my neo who'd moved to cali after graduation and she needed a roommate for a huge house in LA. that was all the motivation i needed.

i got back to new york in the last week of january. one week later, i gave my landlord notice. 2 weeks later, i gave my office notice. telling my supervisor that i was leaving was easily one of the most satisfying moments of my year. *immediately*, i felt as if a huge burden had been lifted. it was like someone had been restricting my air and i could finally breathe with freedom.

on february 29th, i got on a plane with a one-way ticket. 2 nights before i said goodbye to everyone in new york city worth knowing. mikel made me cry. then gene made me cry again. takita had been making me cry for weeks before that. it was so hard leaving her in new york. i'm so thankful for her man jason. i would have never left her if he wasn't in the picture. she's my other best friend and i love her more than love myself. it's crazy right. this chick is amazing.

my sorors took me to the airport. kita couldn't take it and drove off in tears. the rest of them waited with me until the time approached. we laughed. they brought me gifts. and then i boarded my flight and cried for the first 30 mins. it didn't help that i was listening to the solemn lyrics of "leaving on a jet plane"

the sadness has passed though. things are good here. luckily you didn't know me during the first 3 months of total unemployment. those were depressing times. i've been working steadily since i was 15. not having a job is the most demoralizing experience i've faced since not being able to pay tuition in college.

i work in LA as a production coordinator for a small company and i'm having a ball. right now i'm freelancing and it's pretty cool. i'm taking on more responsibility and making more money in the process.

in upcoming entries, i'll tell you about buying my first car, learning to drive stick. the difficulty of driving without power steering. the sale of my former LA residence. my new apartment. this guy i fell in love with who's moving here. my vegetarianism. my first colonic. my flipflop fetish. being stuck on a mountain in studio city.... and the daily nuances of my life which teeters at the brink of mediocrity.